Today the Los Angeles Kings went public in their search for America's Next Top Blogger as they officially posted the job opening for the Kings new Beat Writer.

In case you hadn't heard (and we're guessing you have) we're hiring a beat writer to cover us -- ht.ly/1OZLWn

— LA Kings (@LAKings) October 16, 2012

That's right... now any person who has ever posted anything on the internet can be an official Sports Reporter™!!! I mean... it's not like you need any experience or anything, right? RIGHT?!?

Well I guess I can't apply.
But only because I don't have a "unrivaled knowledge and passion for hockey." 

Let's be honest here. There are only 5 people in line for this job. John Hoven from Mayors Manor. Gann Matsuda from Frozen Royalty. Quisp from McSorley's Stick. Surly and Scribe from LA Kings News. And last, but not least, the boys from Kingscast.

Here is a photo of all 5 candidates.

Luckily, I've been able to intercept the official Los Angeles Kings Beat Reporter Questionnaire (waaay before Down Goes Brown) and hopefully it will shed some light on who exactly will step into Rich Hammond's ill-fitted suit.

SO ill-fitted.

1) Why do you want to be the next blogger for the Los Angeles Kings?
( ) Let’s be honest, I’m pretty much doing the job right now. It would just be nice to get paid for it. (But I’d still do it for free. Call me. Please!)
( ) I’m not a blogger, I’m a journalist.
( ) To give a voice to the people upon whom grave injustices are committed.
( ) I’m tired of the Kings Draconian policies when it comes to Improv Comedy in the sport of hockey.
( ) Blogs… please. Vlogs is where it’s at!!!

2) What would be your biggest contribution to the LA Kings in terms of writing?
( ) The uncanny ability to turn LA Kings Insider into the NHL’s 1st stop for all hockey news that has to do with breakfast foods and Toronto-based baseball teams.
( ) Unparalleled 12 Part Series chronicling the most insignificant members of the LA Kings off-ice staff.
( ) Numbers, numbers and more numbers.
( ) Sonnets!
( ) Oscar Nominated Shorts.

3) What is the current logo for the LA Kings?
( ) The Los Angeles Dodgers home plate.
( ) The new Chevy Volt.
( ) FOR SALE.
( ) Shoot… you know what…I’m not sure. I’ll get back to you on that.

4) What sets yourself apart from the other applicants for this position?
( ) Most of the players already follow me on Twitter, so I can save money on pencils and notepads.
( ) An incredibly unhealthy obsession with the LA Kings Ice Crew. Oh… and a total lack of a sense of humor.
( ) Sonnets!
( ) Charts & Graphs
( ) We partner a lot with The Royal Half and let’s be honest… that dude is genius!

5) If hired, what would you call the blog?
( ) I'd name it something that bestowed an unearned title of authority on me.
( ) To Catch a Predator
( ) Ye Old Hockey Blogge
( ) Jack Johnson’s Regret
( ) KingsVision

Well, it is obvious. There is only one person who can truly fill the huge gap in coverage that Rich Hammond has left behind.

I guess the cat's out of the bag but yes, I will be replacing Hammond. Every interview will begin with, "Those guys were pussies, right?"

— Rudy Kelly (@rudykelly) October 10, 2012

@mstrbig "Mr Johnson, LAKingsInsider. First question: fuck you."

— Rudy Kelly (@rudykelly) October 10, 2012

Believe it or not... but I've become some sort of a regular guest on The War Room on the SiriusXM's NHL Network. It's always fun to chat with Peter Berce and Mick Kern... and this past Thursday I joined them to discuss how perfect it is that the season immediately following the Los Angeles Kings Stanley Cup victory is probably going to be cancelled. Check it out below.

You can check out past appearances on The War Room under the TRH RADIO tab on the sidebar.

Friday, October 12th at around 7:30pm me and my Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy were supposed to be in our seats at Staples Center for our 10th consecutive Los Angeles Kings Opening Night as Half Season Ticket Holders. The 1st home game of a new NHL season is always a great affair. Catching up with old friends, chatting with season ticket neighbors and of course... watching your favorite hockey team's 1st ever Stanley Cup Banner be raised to the rafters. 

Ha... suck it, LA Sparks...
just one more championship and we are finally tied with you!!!

So while Los Angeles Kings fans everywhere wait until there is some sort of settlement between the NHL owners and players, there is no reason the LA Kings Stanley Cup Banner should remain in storage. No, instead the LA Kings Marketing Department has figured out a few practical options for the Stanley Cup Banner until it can be placed in its proper home.

But in the meantime... like most of the NHL,
I guess it could always go hang out in Russia for the season.

Click Here to Read The Royal Half's Alternative Uses for the LA Kings Stanley Cup Banner!!!

It's Locktober here at The Royal Half and All The Kings Men Podcast!!! So that means we are doing an unprecedented podcasting event where Jesse Cohen and I talk with 30 NHL bloggers from 30 NHL teams in 30 Nights (hopefully!). Jesse and I are really excited about All The Kings Men Locktober... but let's be honest... we are hoping we'll have to kill it in a few days once the NHL and NHLPA announce a new CBA and the season is saved. Yeah, right.

10/1 - ANAHEIM DUCKS - Jen Neale from Anaheim Calling

10/2 - BOSTON BRUINS - Justin Aucoin from Days of Y'orr

10/3 - BUFFALO SABRES - Chris Ostrander from Two in the Box

10/4 - CALGARY FLAMES - The Book of Loob

10/5 - CAROLINA HURRICANES - Cory from Shutdown Line

10/6 - CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS - Sam from The Committed Indian

10/7 - COLORADO AVALANCHE - Cheryl Bradley from Mile High Hockey

10/8 - COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS - Dark Blue Jacket

10/9 - DALLAS STARS - Brandon Worley from Defending Big D

10/10 - DETROIT RED WINGS - JJ from Winging It In Motown

10/11 - EDMONTON OILERS - Kyle from JeanShortsBaggedMilk

10/12 - FLORIDA PANTHERS - Alex Calloway from Litter Box Cats

10/13 - MONTREAL CANADIENS - Rick from All Habs

10/14 - LOS ANGELES KINGS - John Hoven from Mayors Manor

10/15 - MINNESOTA WILD - Nate Wells from First Round Bust

10/16 - NASHVILLE PREDATORS - Buddy Oakes from Preds On The Glass

10/17 - NEW JERSEY DEVILS - Carlos from Speaking Of The Devils

10/18 - NEW YORK ISLANDERS - Kevin Schultz from Islanders Point Blank

10/19 - NEW YORK RANGERS - Katie Baker from Grantland

10/20 - OTTAWA SENATORS - Graeme Nichols fromThe 6th Sens

10/21 - PHILADELPHIA FLYERS - Flyers Faithful

FLYERS TO COME

10/22 - PITTSBURGH PENGUINS - Derek from The Pensblog

10/23 - PHOENIX COYOTES - Carl Putnam from Five For Howling

10/24 - SAN JOSE SHARKS - Derek from Fear The Fin

10/25 - ST. LOUIS BLUES - Brad Lee from St. Louis Game Time

BLUES TO COME

10/28 - WASHINGTON CAPITALS - Adam Vingan

CAPITALS TO COME

10/29 - TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS - Julian from Pension Plan Puppets

MAPLE LEAFS TO COME

10/30 - VANCOUVER CANUCKS - Harrison Mooney from Pass it to Bulis and Puck Daddy

10/30 - TAMPA BAY LIGHTING - Chad from Bolts Prospect

10/31 - WINNIPEG JETS - The guys from Jets Hockey Podcast at Winnipeg White Out

JETS TO COME

As always, you can check out the latest All The Kings Men here or subscribe to it on iTunes.
Or on something called Stitcher. 

As the Lockout heads into its 3rd week, there really is nothing for Jesse Cohen, John Hoven from Mayors Manor and myself to talk about. But then thankfully Daryl Katz does something stupid by touring a potential relocation site for the Edmonton Oilers... in the middle of a work stoppage. Between that and Andrei Loktionov being left off the Stanley Cup Engraving and Anze Kopitar playing in a 2nd tier league in the middle of Sweden... there are a bunch of things to talk about on a brand new episode of All The Kings Men Podcast! But the biggest news to come out of this podcast...

TRENT HUNTER PLAYED 38 GAMES FOR THE LA KINGS LAST SEASON?!?!?

You can check out the latest All The Kings Men here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below.

Maybe it truly was Phil Anschutz's dream growing up in Kansas to one day have his wife Nancy's name on the Stanley Cup. You know... instead of Andrei Loktionov or even fellow owner of the LA Kings, Ed Roski, Jr. Perhaps that is why after nearly 20 years of shaping the sports landscape in Los Angeles and across the the world, Phil is putting his Anschutz Entertainment Group up for sale. And that means the Los Angeles Kings are up for sale. Sure, AEG may own facilities in 17 of the top 50 U.S. media markets, be responsible for the Coachella Music Festival as well as the New Orleans Jazz Festival and own a 4 million square foot plot of land in Downtown Los Angeles... but you can be sure that Anschutz makes his real money on a single team in a fringe professional sports league that is currently undergoing a lockout between its owners and players.

"Finally, Dustin...it's ours!!!"

"I know, Mr. Anschutz! What a feeling."

"I can't wait to melt it down for sale."

"What's that, Mr. Anschutz?"

"Nevermind."

You might think that potential buyers would be after the Staples Center or LA Live or the O2 Arena or the vast promotional reach of AEG Live. But no, obviously the suitors of AEG are after one thing and one thing only... the Los Angeles Kings. So in the time-honored tradition of TRH Off-Season Investigative Reporting... we take a look at the potential buyers of AEG and the LA Kings.

When in doubt, they could always try selling the Kings on Shark Tank.

Click Here to Read TRH Investigates: Who Wants to Buy the LA Kings?

Boy... and we all thought that Anze Kopitar signing with a 2nd Tier hockey team in Sweden would be the biggest news of the day. Thankfully, Philip Anschutz put an end to that. So Jesse Cohen and I sat down with the Woodward and Bernstein of the AEG sale, Dennis Bernstein, to figure out why Anschutz wants to sell off his evil empire. 

"Pardonnez-moi, monsieur... this photo is for players only."

"Shut it, Bernier. I played more in these playoffs than you did."

You can check out the latest All The Kings Men here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below.

And in international news... The Royal Half was featured on television! Well... Canadian television... but it's still television nonetheless! Something called the Global News featured "Locked Out & I Know It" in their roundup of what dumb hockey fans were doing with their time off. You can check out the link here.

Ugh, TV adds 10 pounds to my blog name.

And finally, a few days ago Jesse Cohen released a massive diatribe against the NHL Lockout the only way he knows how... to the tune of a classic childrens' poem about Santa Claus. Which is pretty impressive for Jesse... mainly because he's Jewish. Here it is, in its entirety.

Twas the day of the lockout and no talks were planned

There would be no heroics, no late night last stand

The players and owners would fight over cash

While the hopes and the dreams of the fans were all dashed

They had taken to facebook and reddit and twitter

And as the lockout drew closer their words became bitter

“Up yours Gary Bettman!” “Screw you Donald Fehr”

“Please don’t make another season disappear”

But the lawyers on both sides had made up their minds

And politely told fans we could kiss their behinds

Despite all the owners griping and complaints

They were handing out contracts with little restraint

“Four more years for Shane Doan, $18 Million for Burrows!!!”

While the brows of the fans became wrinkled and furrowed

“Don’t blame us” said the players “for the owners confusion”

While their salaries climbed the fans grew disillusioned

We don’t care about escrows, profit sharing or rollbacks

Or if big market teams should pay a luxury tax

We want to see hockey not hear your regrets

or listen to lawyers posture and make threats

And the good news for fans, who might be so inclined

There’ll be hockey this year, you can watch it online

The juniors and minors will still play their games

While the NHLPA call the owners bad names

“It won’t be as fun as the big leagues” you’ll scoff

But it beats watching Baseball or Tennis or Golf

And before you all know it this lockout will end

And we’ll go back to watching the teams over spend

And in another six years or possibly later

We’ll find ourselves cursing a new batch of traitors

New owners, new players and a new set of lawyers

Brand new employees and brand new employers

They’ll fight over money and lengths of contracts

They’ll distort the numbers and twist all the facts

And we’ll keep on watching and filling the stands

Because the league knows we’re “the worlds greatest fans”

for us it’s not business it’s a piece of our lives

It makes us skip work and helps us survive

It brings us together, it makes grown men weep

It fills all our dreams when we fall fast asleep

So forgive us dear players and agents and owners

If we rant and we rave and we call you all moaners

You’re stealing our fun and you’re taking our hockey

Forcing us to choose between Norfolk and Milwaukee

We won’t get to see the Kings raising their banner

Or watch them defend it, (and do it for Tanner)

We’ll miss the NHL on our TV sets

The Leafs and the Habs and the Flames and Jets

The Sharks and the Blues, the Coyotes and Ducks

The Wild, the Flames and Vancouver Canucks

The Bruins and Flyers and Penguins and Red Wings

The Rangers and Devils and the joy watching them brings

So I make this last plea tho I know it won’t matter

Please cut through the jargon and bullshit and chatter

End the lockout as quickly as you possibly can

Or I may actually consider not being a fan

In the time honored tradition of such other The Royal Half music hits as "Rick Nash's These Teams are on My List" comes our latest release from the TRH Recording Studio...

Locked Out & I Know It

Lyrics by The Royal Half & Indiana Matt
Vocals by Felander Stevenson & The Royal Half Singers

Also available as a free download so you can listen on the go! Just click here.

And special, special, special thanks to Chris at VitalDistraction.com who created the amazing new The Royal Half Video Bumper.

The reviews are in! And our article about the rise of LA Kings Stanley Cup Tattoos is a hit! To the face!

So... let me get this straight.
You are upset that I put something out in public on the internet...

... that you already put out in public on the internet?

Oh!!! I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that the tattoos were free.
THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

Yes, you are 100% right. I wrote a 1000 word review about LA Kings Stanley Cup tattoos
just to deal with my issue of being too scared to get one myself.

Finally! Somebody with something smart to say.

(Actually @LA_CliffordBaby unfollowed me on Twitter last night. But, hey, who is counting?)

I am.

I have to say... this Kevin Young fellow is actually kinda smart.

Yes, Kevin Young. I've been going to LA Kings games for nearly 25 years,
paid for 1/2 Season Tickets the last 10 seasons, watch the games religiously,
traveled to Europe to watch them play and I blog about them nearly nightly
all in an effort to support my pro-Ducks, anti-Kings agenda. You figured it out.

Well if there isn't a clearer definition of what a blogger is than this, then I don't want to know.

So any fucking idiot can start a blog but I'm expected to do research?
Man, this blogging thing is tough!

When I set out to really find a way to drive tons of traffic to this site...
"write a niche article about LA Kings Stanley Cup tattoos" shot to top of my list.

I have no idea what this means.
But man, I'd love #TheRoyalHalfAssingIt to become a trending topic.

Maybe I just don't understand this generation...
but if you think a blog post is complete bullshit why would you tattoo it onto your body?
Seems counterintuitive to me.

No argument here, sister. The Kings winning the Stanley Cup for the first time in their history
was one of the greatest days of my life too. I just chose to not memorialize it with a free tattoo.

All of that above was just the positive feedback! Check out what some really upset people had to say:

Well, at least they aren't saying any more bad stuff about me on Twitter anymore. Nope, they've taken it to Facebook!

I would love to see this guys' books.

Totally. LA Kings fans NEVER put people down at all. Ever.

Leaving my mommy's house is not the reason I wouldn't get a Kings tattoo.
No, it's because my mommy won't let me.

No idea what this means.

You are right... I couldn't handle the pain... of having a free LA Kings Stanley Cup tattoo for the rest of my life. 

I believe the children are the future. Teach them well... and let them lead the way.
And God help us all.

This can only end bad. Which is good.

On a very special edition of All The Kings Men Podcast, Jesse Cohen and I (and even John Hoven from Mayor's Manor) welcome Jack Wilson, a producer at Fox Sports West, to talk about his trip across Canada following a few members of the Los Angeles Kings organization during their day with the Stanley Cup. And after talking with Jack about his adventures... it's easy to say that Jesse and I hate him more than anyone else we've ever met in our lives.

Ugh... I HATE this guy.

To listen to Jack's amazing stories about his time with the Stanley Cup you can check the latest All The Kings Men here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below.

And be sure to check out Jack Wilson's blog over at Behind the Lens.