The Royal Half has returned from its Winter Vacation and thanks to the magical NHL GameCentre app for the iPad... I was somewhat able to follow the Los Angeles Kings over the past 13 days. And it seems that the record of the Kings in those 6 games directly paralleled the situation I was in during my vacation.

In New York, concrete jungles where dreams of a beach vacation are covered in horrible, horrible snow.

For example, when I was stuck in Brooklyn during the crazy blizzard that hit New York City last week, the Los Angeles Kings went 3-0, with victories over the Oilers, Ducks and Sharks. 

This is me walking on 2 feet of snow down 9th Street in Park Slope. 
You can tell it's me from the old school Kings beanie.

And when I finally arrived at my tropical beach winter vacation destination that was amazingly relaxing? 3 straight losses to the Coyotes, Flyers and Sharks.

If you look closely, that is Dan Cloutier on the beach living off his buyout money. 

When I returned home to Los Angeles for Monday night's game against the Chicago Blackhawks at Staples Center... I figured I'd be able to see exactly why the Kings had been playing so poorly lately. But instead, I saw this. 

Which is even worse than a 4 game losing streak.

Kings 3, Blackhawks 4, NHL Guardians Project 0

Click Here to Read the Rest of The Royal Half Recap!!!

Screw this rainy city. I'm getting my ass out of Los Angeles today and heading to a Winter Vacation on the beach. It will look something like this:

So that means very little posting over the next 10 days although I will be watching the Kings games when I can. And, yes JeanShorts, that sadly means I won't be at Thursday's Kings-Oilers game to take photos of as many Kevin Lowe jerseys as I can. I had planned on doing a "Best of Pundays 2010" but then this past week, the good boys at NHL.com came up with the 2 greatest NHL pun headlines of 2010... so there was no need for a countdown.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year from The Royal Half! LONG LIVE THE MARCO STURM ERA!!!!

After having two Russian Heritage Nights, two Armenian Heritage Nights and one Latino Heritage night... the next logical step for the Los Angeles Kings Marketing Department seems to be... Canada!

So let me get this straight...
A Q and A with Captain Canada himself, Ryan Smyth? Okay, that makes sense.
A Q and A with the Rhode Island born, Minnesota raised, Harvard educated General Manager of the US Olympic team?
Not so sure about that one. 

And let's be honest here... if you are Canadian and living in Los Angeles... are the Maple Leafs really the team that you wanna show your pride for? I mean, if I were the Kings Marketing Department, I might just have Canadian Pride Night be against Vancouver... and that way you could still have Brian Burke do a Q and A.

"Well shit, son. I thought the maple leaf meant this team played in Vermont."

"Um, no... Can I go now?"

Remember what Los Angeles Kings founder Jack Kent Cooke said about the 300,000 former Canadians that lived within a three-hour drive of Los Angeles in the 70's... "Now I know why they left Canada... They hate hockey!" Actually, the Kings did a similar promotion last season in an attempt to celebrate all things Canadian in Los Angeles...

Surprisingly, the Toronto Maple Leafs are a huge improvement over The Tragically Hip.

On the other hand... since we've given up overtime to the corporate sponsorship of Air Canada... maybe having Brian Burke appear during Canadian Pride Night is just our country's way of taking a little bit of hockey back from our neighbours to the north. 

On second thought... you can keep hockey.

Hopefully next season the Montreal Canadiens will come to town, and the Kings Marketing Department can combine Canadian Pride Night with Jewish Heritage Night featuring Mathieu Schneider, Michael Cammalleri and Jeff Halpern. 

"Michael, a couple of shiksa's in the crowd tonight, huh?"

"Hey Jeff, we've been over this a couple times, I don't really practice Judaism..."

"Oy... enough of your mishegas."

And just because... this AMAZING video came up during a search for "Ryan Smyth Captain Canada."

Forget about the fact that the Los Angeles Kings lost a tough game against the one team in the Central Division they can't seem to beat. No, forget about that, because Kyle Clifford did this tonight. And Coach Terry Murray's jaw almost dropped. 

"Wow. Nice goal, Cliffy."

The Los Angeles Kings Marketing Department better hurry... for with Christmas coming up this week they only have a few days to get their newest holiday item out into the market...

The Tickle-Me Clifford.
or, The Kyle Clifford Blow-Up Doll, depending on who the gift is for.

Blackhawks 3, Kings 2 

There is only one question I have after this game... who is this woman, and how fast can someone on the internet track her down so I can interview her? Please. 

Because I have to know what is going through her mind at this exact moment. 
Because I've seen love before, and that, my friends... is love.

How hard was it to score on Corey Crawford tonight in Chicago?

This hard.
Tuuuuuuuuuurrrrrr-co... aw, forget it, it's not fun anymore.  

It gets easier on Tuesday right? Colorado has only won 6 in a row while Matt Duchene and Tomas Fleischmann only have like 22 points together in 8 games. No biggie. When do the Kings play Edmonton again, Thursday? Thank god. At least we have the peaceful nature of the holidays to take our minds off the up and down play of the Kings. 

Happy Holidays, Bitches!

The Los Angeles Kings played so well Saturday night against the Nashville Predators, that every one on the Kings team was all smiles. Even Coach Murray was ear to ear after the Kings 3 goal flurry to start the game. 

And also after the Kings 4th and 5th goals. 

And even after Ryan Smyth scored his 2nd goal of the night to make it 6-1. 

Kings 6, Predators 1

Click Here to Check Out the Rest of the Kings Smiles and the Royal Half Recap!!!

It's been quite a while since we last checked in on the Brian Willsie Invitational Loser League. For those that don't remember (or don't care) the Brian Willsie Invitational Loser League is a fantasy hockey league comprised of some of the best and brightest hockey bloggers, tweeters and fans who have come together to compete for one common goal... to assemble the worst fantasy hockey team possible. The rules are simple... if you score goals, get power play points or shutout opposing teams... you earn positive points. If you lose faceoffs, take awful penalties and are a consistent minus on your team... you earn negative points. The team with the most negative points at the end of the season takes home the coveted Mike Milbury GM of the Year Award.

I'm working on having the winner receive a phone call from the man himself. 

Let's take a look at the standing as of Friday, December 17th. 

A little less than halfway through the inaugural season this is turning into a 3 horse race featuring professional bloggers The Ghost of Huet and The Scouts and television professional, Daneyko's Darlings. But today isn't about the current race for the worst in the Brian Willsie Invitational Loser League. No, today is all about involving you, the fan of really bad hockey... as we announce the ballot for the 2011 All-Scrubs Game!!!

Click Here to See the Players YOU Can Nominate to Play in the 2011 All-Scrubs Game!!!

Over the past 5 games the Los Angeles Kings were undefeated in regulation, going 4-0-1. You would think that facing a team that was missing 5 of its regular players, starting its backup goalie and had given up a hat trick to a 40 year old defensemen the night before on the road would be an easy win for a hot Kings team. But then this asshole showed up.

What the fuck are you two smiling at?

If you had "Marco Sturm" as the person who would jinx the Kings undefeated streak during the Marco Sturm era... then you, my friend, are exactly the kind of people The Royal Half can hang with. 

Kings 4, Blues 6

Jon Quick gave quite the show Monday night in Detroit. But Thursday night in St. Louis, the only show he was giving was for the ladies.

Don't worry, there is plenty of Jon Quick to go around. 

On the plus side... the Kings scored 4 goals. That's gotta count for something, right? Besides, it could be worse. You could be this guy.

Is the goatee dyed blue year-round or only on game nights? Or just on first dates?
And why did you paint the Whalers logo on your nose and eyebrows? 

I guess my only question after watching the Kings lose to the Blues is this:

Jason Lee, Ed Burns or DB Sweeney.
Which one looks most like Marco Sturm.

I swear to god I'm gonna knock that smile off your face.
Or maybe I should just aim for the knee.

Saturday in Nashville, Kings nation turns its lonely eyes to the return of Jon Bernier to NHL action. Let's just hope Marco Sturm stays in the hotel. 

So what happens when a hot-shot rookie playing in his 2nd NHL game unleashes a shootout move so amazing, it has the entire hockey world talking? The pun headline writers at NHL.com pray to god that he has a name which can be easily punned.

And then they beat it into the ground.

Click here to check out the best and worst NHL.com pun headlines from the past week!!!