ALL THE KINGS MEN: Episode 203

Written by The Royal Half on .

The season is a go! And that means brand new All The Kings Men Podcasts where Jesse Cohen, John Hoven from Mayors Manor and myself actually have some ice hockey to talk about. Check out our thoughts on the Stanley Cup Banner Ceremony and the subsequent awful game that was played immediately afterwards!

You can check out the brand-new episode of All The Kings Men Podcast here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below:

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TRH RECAP 1: Banner'd In The USA

Written by The Royal Half on .

After a 100 day delay that was caused by a NHL Lockout... the time had come for the Los Angeles Kings to finally take their place among the elite of NHL Franchises with the celebration of its first Stanley Cup Victory. And Hollywood put out all the stops... partying the only way it knows how....

WITH A GIANT TEAM NAME CUSTOM TOPIARY!!!
Woooo-hoooooo!!!

BLACKHAWKS 5, KINGS 2,
WHO CARES, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT F'ING BANNER!!!

I think I'm going to have this photo embedded on the
windshield of my car so I can stare at it constantly.

Click Here to Read the Rest of The Royal Half Recap!!!

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TRH GAMEDAY - 2013 NHL SEASON

Written by The Royal Half on .

Well, the NHL season is upon us and this year we have decided to host our Gameday Posts on an alternate server. You can check them out here.

WHAT-WHAT?!?

 

Honestly... I give this gig 4 games before it explodes in a blaze of glory. But man... oh man... what a 4 games it will be. I have a feeling it will end up like this:

 

Party On, Anze. Go Kings Go!!!

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KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS 1.19.13

Written by The Royal Half on .

Late last season, we debuted a brand-new feature here at The Royal Half... "Know Your Opponent." And the reviews were... um... well... um... interesting. Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck has a very unique ability when it comes to in-depth previews of the upcoming opponents of the Los Angeles Kings. So I figured we would continue to have her take a look at the big LA Kings matchups during this NHL Half Season. In case none of you have read Brigitte before, her is a photo of her to help get you acquainted!

Click Here to Check Out the "Know Your Opponent" for the Kings vs Blackhawks Season Opener on Saturday, January 19th!!!

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TRH NATION - 1.16.13

Written by The Royal Half on .

A few TRH related items that might have passed you by the last few days. There are two... count them, two brand new All The Kings Men Podcasts for your listening pleasure! First, Jesse Cohen and John Hoven from Mayor's Manor chat with me about the Kevin Westgarth trade and the boring world of waivers. 

Then, Jesse and I are joined by Jen from Anaheim Calling, Derek from Fear the Fin and Carl from Five for Howling for our Pacific Division 2013 Preview!

And as always, you can check out brand-new episodes of All The Kings Men Podcast here or subscribe to it on iTunes.

FYI, here is why I love my readers so much... I try to do some actual analysis of the sport of hockey instead of some sarcastic, jerk-off remark...

And I get nothing but flack...

 

Screw you guys! I'm going to really infuriate you and write a mini-guest blog to inform the New York Islanders fans about the potential of Thomas Hickey. So suck on that, real hockey analysis!!!

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The Royal Quarter

Written by The Royal Half on .

No, we aren't changing the name of this blog. But it looks like we are getting the band back together!!!

LET'S PLAY SOME HOCKEY!!!

Let's be honest here.... the Lockout sucked. Sure, I may not have been posting as much as you would all have liked me to... but over the course of the 113 days of the NHL Lockout, I was able to complete the most difficult accomplishment for any hockey blogger.... a TRH HAT TRICK!!!

#1) COMPLIMENT FROM A CURRENT NHL PLAYER

While watching my 187th Vintage Hockey Game during the lockout, I stumbled upon Fox Sports West re-airing of the classic LA Kings - Toronto Maple Leafs Conference Finals Game 6 and 7. And I began to Tweet out all the memories that were flooding back to me from that amazing series. And that led to this Tweet from 2-Time Stanley Cup Champion, Colin Fraser.

A picture is worth 1000 Tweets, Mr. Fraser.

#2) CHIRPING FROM A RETIRED NHL PLAYER

When December 21st, 2012 came and went without the slightest threat of the end of the world, I Tweeted out the above to remind recent LA Kings fans of the real apocalypse... Denis Gauthier and Randy Jones patrolling the LA Kings blueline. 

So much history in just one photo.

Within 24 hours, I received a reply from Monsieur Gauthier:

And in true French Don Rickles fashion... Monsieur Gauthier let me know that there were no hard feelings.

#3) SARCASM FROM A NHL FRANCHISE

As the old adage goes... When there is nothing left to Tweet about... just make fun of the Columbus Blue Jackets. So when the Lockout continued deep into December, I Tweeted out one of the oldest "Blue Jackets During a Lockout" jokes in the book. And as it turns out... apparently the LA Kings shipped over their Social Media Department to Columbus in the Jack Johnson trade.

There you have it... the TRH HAT TRICK. I mean, the only thing rarer than that is getting a Direct Message from Hall of Fame Hockey Reporter, Helene Elliott, right? RIGHT?!?

Oh, Helene... you so crazy.
No... seriously... you are mentally unstable.

The 2013 NHL Season is only a week and a half away... so we don't need to talk about silly things like Twitter anymore... no, we can talk about what brings us to the rink each and every day... DOWNLOADABLE WALLPAPERS WITH IDIOTIC THEMES FROM YOUR FAVORITE OVERPAID HOCKEY DEFENSEMEN!!!

Oh man... this is a hysterical photoshop that is obviously done with total sarcasm
and in no way could be rea...
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???

So, um... maybe I was too busy at the end of last season watching my favorite hockey team win the Stanley Cup to notice that apparently this #ControlledChaos is actually a real thing:

Johnson said playing with fellow American defenseman James Wisniewski has helped the transition immensely, and the two have become fast friends on and off the ice. He said they refer to their defense pairing as “controlled chaos,” among a list of other names they’ve come up with in their six games together.

Look, if Jack Johnson and James Wisniewski are going to try and create some iconic brand of two close friends who are big guys playing their sport... then I suggest a more retro theme than the #ControlledChaos poster above.

Finally... I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly annoying it's been to chat with Jesse Cohen and John Hoven from Mayor's Manor during the All The Kings Men Podcasts we've recorded during the NHL Lockout. And now that hockey is back... well, it's just as annoying. You can check out a Brand New episode of All The Kings Men here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below.

Helene Hath No Fury

Written by The Royal Half on .

Forget about the fans. Who are the people that are really struggling with the lack of NHL hockey right now? Journalists!!!

I honestly think we are one more set of cancelled games away from this above...

...turning into this.

So how do you track the onset of a journalist suffering from the lack of NHL Hockey?

STEP 1: Start with a simple tweet from Dustin Penner:

STEP 2: Watch as Dustin Penner's Tweet was then Retweeted by Hockey Hall of Fame Sportswriter, Helene Elliott. Or at least... attempted to be Retweeted.

I have no idea what has happened here.

STEP 3: Make a dumb joke about journalists losing their minds.

 

 

STEP 4: Get a Direct Message from the journalist you made the dumb joke about 15 minutes later.

Hey... at least I spelled "Helene" right.

When Helene Elliott isn't busy writing me sarcastic Direct Messages via Twitter... she's busy writing touching tributes via the Los Angeles Times about the passing of long-time Los Angeles Kings PA Announcer, David Courtney.

When David Courtney passed away last week... it was the first time I've felt actual anger and frustration with the NHL Lockout. Here is a guy who dedicated his life to his work. Public Address announcing was his passion. And because a bunch of rich guys couldn't figure things out with a bunch of other rich guys... David Courtney was denied the chance to work the Los Angeles Kings Stanley Cup Banner Ceremony that was scheduled to take place Friday, October 12th. I only had one brief interaction with David when he was the PA Announcer for the Los Angeles Kings Fantasy Camp that I participated in earlier this year. Of course, my team was playing in the Championship game and David went around to each player to make sure he had the correct pronunciation of their names. A true professional... no matter what the venue.

That is one bad-ass photograph.

Earlier this week, Jesse Cohen and myself attempted to pay tribute to David Courtney via All The Kings Men Podcast. You can check out this episode of All The Kings Men here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below.

Rock Out With Your Lock Out

Written by The Royal Half on .

File this blog post under "Shit We Would Never Talk About If The NHL Was Playing Games Regularly." Jesse Cohen, John Hoven from Mayors Manor and myself break down the 5 Best & the 5 Worst NHL Team Songs as found by Jesse Cohen on the internet during All The Kings Men Podcast Presents: "Locktober." I have no idea what it all means either, but Jesse was borderline obsessed with the NHL Team Songs that he found on YouTube so we spent nearly 29 minutes talking about it. Please... NHL... come back soon.

You can check out the latest All The Kings Men here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below.

Also... Jesse has published a full listing of the songs we are talking about in this podcast. And even though I selected the New Jersey Devils' song on the podcast for a cheap joke (at 5min and 35 seconds, the Devils song lasted longer than the Devils chances of winning the 2012 Stanley Cup Finals)... really, the worst team song comes from the only California team to not win the Stanley Cup:

You Bettor, You Bettor, You Bet

Written by The Royal Half on .

I know that I get criticized a lot for not being a "true" Los Angeles Kings fan. That sometimes... god forbid... I might dare to question the quality of the product that my favorite professional ice hockey team is putting out on the ice. Well, fear not dedicated and true LA Kings fans... for at least once a year... I am one of you. Over the past few seasons, no matter what the outlook for the team heading into the regular season has been... I've placed a $100 bet on the Los Angeles Kings to win the Stanley Cup. That's right... even when the Kings were about to embark on their 71 point campaign of 2007-08... I laid down a cool Benjamin in blind support of my favorite hockey team to win it all. So imagine my surprise in mid-August when waking up from a Stanley Cup-induced hangover... I found this in my pocket. 

It's faded because I'm pretty sure that I used it to wipe my tears by accident during Game 6.

Indiana Matt found himself in Las Vegas in mid-July of 2011 and placed what I'm sure he thought at the time was a total suckers bet for me on the LA Kings to win the Stanley Cup at 12 to 1 odds. Honestly, in the madness of the LA Kings actually winning the Stanley Cup... I had totally forgotten about this Golden Ticket. And since the NHL and NHLPA have combined to completely deny me the chance to claim this ticket in person at Frozen Fury in Las Vegas... I mailed the ticket into the Venetian in early October and then a few weeks later received this:

The only thing better than the LA Kings winning the Stanley Cup?
Winning money for the LA Kings winning the Stanley Cup!

So here we are... day 59 into the NHL Lockout and I've got $1300 dollars in my pocket. What ever could I spend that money on?!?

Awkkkkkk-waaaaaaard.

All apologies for the infrequent posts on The Royal Half... be lets be honest. There isn't much to talk about. So make sure that you are following me on Twitter... because that is where the real hot TRH action is going on right now... with gems like these:

 

 

 

 

 

 

The best side effect of the NHL Lockout dragging on 59 days? I've been getting plenty of time to read great books about hockey. Make sure you check out Breakaway: From Behind the Iron Curtain to the NHL: The Untold Story of Hockey’s Great Escapes. While reading it I learned that the first Russian-born player to ever play in the NHL was Victor Nechayev for your Los Angeles Kings.

I'd recognize that Commie smile anywhere!

Yup, there it is again.

LA Kings Beat Writer Questionnaire

Written by The Royal Half on .

Today the Los Angeles Kings went public in their search for America's Next Top Blogger as they officially posted the job opening for the Kings new Beat Writer.

 

 

That's right... now any person who has ever posted anything on the internet can be an official Sports Reporter™!!! I mean... it's not like you need any experience or anything, right? RIGHT?!?

Well I guess I can't apply.
But only because I don't have a "unrivaled knowledge and passion for hockey." 

Let's be honest here. There are only 5 people in line for this job. John Hoven from Mayors Manor. Gann Matsuda from Frozen Royalty. Quisp from McSorley's Stick. Surly and Scribe from LA Kings News. And last, but not least, the boys from Kingscast.

Here is a photo of all 5 candidates.

Luckily, I've been able to intercept the official Los Angeles Kings Beat Reporter Questionnaire (waaay before Down Goes Brown) and hopefully it will shed some light on who exactly will step into Rich Hammond's ill-fitted suit.

SO ill-fitted.

1) Why do you want to be the next blogger for the Los Angeles Kings?
( ) Let’s be honest, I’m pretty much doing the job right now. It would just be nice to get paid for it. (But I’d still do it for free. Call me. Please!)
( ) I’m not a blogger, I’m a journalist.
( ) To give a voice to the people upon whom grave injustices are committed.
( ) I’m tired of the Kings Draconian policies when it comes to Improv Comedy in the sport of hockey.
( ) Blogs… please. Vlogs is where it’s at!!!

2) What would be your biggest contribution to the LA Kings in terms of writing?
( ) The uncanny ability to turn LA Kings Insider into the NHL’s 1st stop for all hockey news that has to do with breakfast foods and Toronto-based baseball teams.
( ) Unparalleled 12 Part Series chronicling the most insignificant members of the LA Kings off-ice staff.
( ) Numbers, numbers and more numbers.
( ) Sonnets!
( ) Oscar Nominated Shorts.

3) What is the current logo for the LA Kings?
( ) The Los Angeles Dodgers home plate.
( ) The new Chevy Volt.
( ) FOR SALE.
( ) Shoot… you know what…I’m not sure. I’ll get back to you on that.

4) What sets yourself apart from the other applicants for this position?
( ) Most of the players already follow me on Twitter, so I can save money on pencils and notepads.
( ) An incredibly unhealthy obsession with the LA Kings Ice Crew. Oh… and a total lack of a sense of humor.
( ) Sonnets!
( ) Charts & Graphs
( ) We partner a lot with The Royal Half and let’s be honest… that dude is genius!

5) If hired, what would you call the blog?
( ) I'd name it something that bestowed an unearned title of authority on me.
( ) To Catch a Predator
( ) Ye Old Hockey Blogge
( ) Jack Johnson’s Regret
( ) KingsVision

Well, it is obvious. There is only one person who can truly fill the huge gap in coverage that Rich Hammond has left behind.

 

 

 

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