"No circumstances, however dismal, will ever be considered a sufficient excuse for the admission of that last and saddest evidence of intellectual poverty, the Pun."
- Mark Twain

"Puns are the highest form of literature."
- Alfred Hitchcock

Over the last few years, I've become increasingly obsessed with the NHL.com front page headlines... headlines that each day tend to use an awful pun. So, we here at The Royal Half are proud to introduce our newest regular feature... Pundays! Each Monday we will highlight a NHL.com headline and present the top 3 rejected ideas. Since all the talk of the NHL now seems to be who is going to clinch a playoff spot, let's start Pundays off right...

Top 3 Rejected Headlines:

1) After Berth
2) Berth Control
3) The Berth of a Nation

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Oh, and in Los Angeles Kings news.... consider the panic button officially pushed. Goalie of the Future, Jon Bernier, is coming back to the big leagues. Not quite sure what Dean Lombardi and Coach Murray are thinking here... maybe they want to rest Jon Quick down the stretch... maybe they want to remind him that there is a dude in Manchester that can totally take over his place if he doesn't get his game together... or maybe it's just over for Erik Ersberg.

"Hey guys, remember me. I'm the capable backup on the team. Remember last week,
where I came in during a 3-1 game and gave up no goals so we could tie and get an important point?
Okay, I'll just sit here then."

The Royal Half Los Angeles Kings Playoff Clinching Countdown...
AKA... did Calgary Lose Tonight?

NO.

But thankfully the Colorado Avalanche lost to the San Jose Sharks. Calgary is 4 points behind the Av's... 5 points behind the Kings. Gulp.

Well, with only 8 games left the regular season, it's time to dust off the old Royal Half Los Angeles Kings Playoff Clinching Countdown... or as I like to call it... Did Calgary Lose Tonight?

YES.

March into the playoffs? More like limp.

Kings 1, Stars 4, Seed 7th

I should have known something was wrong the minute we walked into Staples Center. There had been plenty of hype leading up this game... and all Kings fans were instructed to wear black to the remaining home games. And then this was put in our hands:

A University of Phoenix sponsored LA Kings canvas bag.

Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy looked at me and said "Maybe we read the Kings site wrong... maybe it's Bag in Black." Little did I know the Kings weren't handing me something to put my latest purchases from Trader Joe's in... no, they were handing me something to put over my head as a Kings fan for these remaining games. Also, as part of the festivities, the LA Kings set up a private confessional booth, where you could share your fondest memories of the Los Angeles Kings... reality tv style.

"I remember the great playoff collapse of '10. Or maybe it was '06 or '04.
It's really hard to recall... there's been so many, you see."

Yes, I realize the Kings are going to make the playoffs for the first time in 7 years. Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy does a good job reminding me of that each day. I've come to terms with it actually. But the Kings sure picked the worst part of the season to be playing their most uninspired hockey. And what's even better than playing uninspired hockey in late March during the middle of a playoff race? A Captain-Coach Fight, that's what!!! From the desk of the Hound...

(on the need for urgency late in the season…)
BROWN: “We need urgency from every aspect of this team. Coaches, players, trainers, we all need to get that mindset. Ultimately, it lies on the players, and that’s the most important thing, but as a group, a team, here, everyone involved, we all need to have the mentality, that urgency, and we haven’t had it. Again, that’s unacceptable.”

(on Brown’s comments about the need for more urgency from everyone…)
MURRAY: “I’ll have to have a talk with him and ask him how the pecking order goes here. I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t have an answer. You’ll have to go talk to him some more. Did he explain any more to you? I don’t know what he means by that.”

Rich Hammond had more quotes from Coach Murray on the Kings recent play... and they went something like this:

Okay, this is what he really said...

Forget about the Los Angeles Kings lackluster effort tonight against the NHL's worst team at home, the St. Louis Blues. Instead, check out the amazing mustache on the penalty box door opener!

It's like Sam Elliott's working for the NHL!

Kings 1, Blues 3

At least Calgary lost, right? The Kings hopes for securing a playoff spot get brighter... and dimmer at the same time. Sure they are 7 points into the playoffs... but you'd kinda hope the team would be winning these games and building some steam heading into the post-season, no? Instead, they get beat up by the St. Louis Blues... the only team that's been re-building longer than the Kings. But the Blues do have a nice mixture of young talent and grizzly veterans.

"You see, TJ, one time Tony Amonte and I were going to a Soul Asylum concert.
Now, this was before cell phones... so we had to meet Mike Modano..."

"Ugh... are you going to retire yet or what?"

So what was the big news that was announced today regarding the Los Angeles Kings and the Stanley Cup Playoffs? Find out.... after the jump!

A few days ago, I received this email in The Royal Half inbox from a gentleman who said he was working with the Los Angeles Kings.

It was from a company called Epic States, who describe themselves as a "strategic consulting and marketing firm with a focus on leveraging social media to engage our clients’ customers." So, being the inquisitive nerd hockey blogger that I am, I replied to this email with something along the lines of "Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter." I mean... he promised prizes in his email, right? Prizes are awesome! So here was his response:

Huh. So let me see if I have this straight. If I can get as many people as I know to purchase tickets (albeit at a low, low price) I will be crowned Los Angeles Kings SuperFan and the prizes are tickets to the last regular season game and 4 tickets to the first playoff game. Tickets that as a Half Season Ticket Holder Package owner... I already have paid for. So basically, being a SuperFan means that I am a non-paid member of the Los Angeles Kings Ticket Sales Department?

Look, Epic States, I'm not going to tell you how to do your job. I realize you are one of the several "Social Media Marketing Firms" that now exist in this day and age... but being a Kings SuperFan... doesn't come from getting the most tickets sold over the final two weeks of the season. You want to know what a SuperFan is?

A Kings SuperFan is renewing my Half Season Ticket Package the last 7 years... 6 years of which this team hasn't made the playoffs. 
A Kings SuperFan is putting down the playoff ticket deposit near the end of each season, just hoping the team gets hot enough to make it.
A Kings SuperFan is going to all the games I paid for during the season this team finished 2nd to last in the NHL.
A Kings SuperFan is watching your favorite team go on a horrible losing streak at the end of the season in 2 consecutive years and fall out of the playoffs.
A Kings SuperFan is watching your favorite team put together 3 consectutive playoff appearances, and then have one of the best lines in hockey be destroyed by injuries.
A Kings SuperFan is watching two of your best Captains be traded.
A Kings SuperFan is cheering as your team makes the Stanley Cup Finals... and then doesn't make the playoffs for another 4 seasons.
A Kings SuperFan is winning the first game of the Stanley Cup Finals on the road and then losing 4 straight. 
A Kings SuperFan is 23 playoff appearances in 43 years of being a franchise.
A Kings SuperFan knows that this team traded what would be Ray Bourque for Ron Grahame.
A Kings SuperFan knows a lot of people that are on this list.

So there you have it, Epic States... (and don't think I'm not holding you responsible Los Angeles Kings Marketing Department... as you hired these guys!)... those are some of the requirements to being a Los Angeles Kings SuperFan. Not shilling tickets to my friends and family. Oh... and there is one more qualification to being a Kings SuperFan...

A Kings SuperFan watches their team be down 3-1 in the first period against the Colorado Avalanche and knows that they are going to come back and tie the game.

Kings 3, Av's 4 (SO)

Thank you Los Angeles Kings for never giving up and battling back to get a super important point in the Western Conference Playoff Race. You made this Kings SuperFan... and countless others very happy.

During Monday nights 4-3 overtime victory against the Colorado Avalanche... the Los Angeles Kings did something I haven't seen them do all season... mess with a goaltender's head.

Maybe Justin Williams and Anze Kopitar were truly trying to get Craig Anderson off his game late in the 3rd period of an important Western Conference playoff battle. But I think they were just rubbing it in that Anderson didn't make the US Olympic team... and Jon Quick did.

In a few hours, the Los Angeles Kings battle the Colorado Avalanche in the 2nd game of a home and home series. In the now immortal words that are sweeping the nation...

"Hey guys... this game tonight.. it's a big fucking deal. 
So that's why I'm sitting you out, Clune."

Hey, Alexander Frolov. You want to know how to respond to being put on the 4th line and seeing little to no ice time? Just ask Ryan Smyth how you do it.

If you look in the Hockey Dictionary under "Ryan Smyth Being Ryan Smyth"...
this is the photo listed.

Ryan Smyth was so committed to scoring tonight for the Los Angeles Kings that he never let go of his stick... NEVER!

Patrick, why don't you tell me what the WHL stands for first and then we can talk.

Kings 4, Avalanche 3, Ryan Smyth 2

A solid win from the Kings. Of course, you wish that the Avalanche didn't get the bonus point, but the Kings keep pace with the West in their new found quest to face the San Jose Sharks in the first round of the playoffs. Thanks Phoenix! But let's be serious here... you didn't come to The Royal Half to get thoughtful analysis of the victory tonight... you came for screengrabs of Anze Kopitar Kings Spotlight Night! So here ends the analysis... but starts the pretty pictures... after the jump!