You look how I feel, Willie Mitchell. You look... how I feel.

As we head into the last month of the 2010-2011 NHL season, teams are working harder than ever in an effort to lock up a playoff spot. The team over at the NHL.com Pun Headline Writing Department is no different, as during the last week these players attacked the front page of NHL.com as if they were shot out of a cannon.

Every Which Way but Looch.

Click here to check out the best and worst NHL.com pun headlines from the past week!!!

The Los Angeles Kings held their latest theme night to honor the players of their past as Thursday night against the Phoenix Coyotes was "Dustin Penner Legends Night." If you ask me, it wasn't a moment too soon. 

Left Wing Walking!

Kings 1, Coyotes 0

Click Here to Read the Rest of The Penner Recap!!!

I was kinda hoping that I wouldn't have to admit this. But then Dean Lombardi went ahead and actually traded for a player that could fill a significant hole in the Los Angeles Kings offense instead of a player that would just increase the amount of kosher meals on the charter plane. So tonight, Dustin Penner makes his Kings debut against the Phoenix Coyotes.

Well, at least Penner is still dressing like he's in Edmonton.
This is LA, act like you've been there before. 

Even if Thursday nights game was part of my Half Season Ticket Holder Package (which it ain't) I wouldn't be able to see Dustin Penner's debut in person. For I am on the East Coast for most of March. Which means my Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy does what any best friend would do. 

He goes to the games alone and places this reasonable facsimile of me in the seat next to him.

So imagine my surprise when I find out that Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy went to last Monday's disaster against the Red Wings with a brand new friend. 

You are fucking dead to me, Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy.

Click Here to Read the Rest of HSTHB's Adventures at Staples Center and a Dustin Penner Preview Parade!!!

The NHL trading deadline is one of the most eagerly anticipated events for hockey fans everywhere and one of the biggest opportunities for the pun headline writers across the hockey globe to really showcase their talents. Luckily, most pun headline writers are signed into contracts, many with no movement clauses, so they don't have to worry about being dumped to NFL.com or MLB.com for a conditional pick in the 7th round. That allows these writers to perform at their creative best and sometimes you just can't believe what they just did.

Oh no, they squidn't have.

Click here to check out the best and worst NHL.com pun headlines from the Trading Deadline!!!

Well, Dean Lombardi made his move and he made it in a big way. Coming to the Los Angeles Kings is Dustin Penner, a 28 year old, 6'4" left winger that scored 32 goals last year and is now currently the leading goal scorer on this Kings team. In return the Kings send defenseman prospect Colten Teubert, a #1 draft pick in 2011 and a conditional 3rd round pick in 2012. 

"Hey, Tom... this is kinda awkward..."

"Yeah, Dustin. I get it. You've been traded to LA. I'm gonna miss you too."

"No, actually. I've been wanting to tell you that you are horrible. And way overpaid.
Later, sucker. I'm off to play with Kopitar and bang chicks with Stoll."

"Take me with you... please." 

Since Penner began with the Anaheim Ducks and has been playing in the West his whole career, he is no doubt familiar with a lot of the Kings young players. 

"So Dean, before I agree to this trade... Gauthier is no longer on the team, right?"

"And you've improved the goaltending, right? RIGHT?!?"

The best part of this deal is that Penner is signed through next season. So you can bet that some of the current Kings who are signed to long term deals are going to be excited to pick Penner up at the airport.

Or not.

"Sure, sure Dustin. Spend a couple nights with Stoll and
then you'll be begging to come over and babysit."

Of course, it remains to be seen if Penner can click with Anze Kopitar on the 1st line. But he does have the stats to make it seem like it would be a good fit. 

And that's been mainly with Sam Gagner or Shawn Horcoff as his center.

Oh, there is one more major stat upgrade that Dustin Penner brings to the Los Angeles Kings.

I got one of these, bitches! How many you got?

I for one, welcome us Kings fans to the Anze Kopitar - Dustin Penner era. And I think Bloguin buddy Low On Oil put it best...

Screw any Visas. Get Penner over the border and into the Kings lineup tonight. We are playing the Detroit Red Wings for chrissakes!!!

Well, it's nearly 3am on the East Coast, Monday February 28th... and I think the Los Angeles Kings have made their biggest move during the NHL trading deadline...

They replaced the menus at the concession stands with LCD screens.

Sister blog, McSwarley, has a closer look at the newest addition to the Kings team. 

Kosher and Gluten-Free offerings at a hockey game?
Man, Gary Bettman has really sanitized this sport more than I previously thought.

But what are the real trading deadline moves that the Los Angeles Kings have made?

Just another example of bloated spending by our nation's capital.

The Kings traded a roster spot for Marco Sturm in exchange for
any chance of Loktionov helping the team this season.

The Kings made a minor swap... trading the really bad play of Willie Mitchell and
Drew Doughty in the 1st half for really awesome play by them in the 2nd half.

But you know who is most bored by all the talk and rumors and innuendo during the last few hours of the NHL trading deadline?

Dean Lombardi, that's who.

"Alright Jim, if you can drag those knees onto the ice and play Left Wing with Kopi... I'll give you 10 bucks."

"And triple my Fox Sports West salary?!? Deal, Deano!"

So when Season Ticket Holders are really upset at the fact that the Kings don't make a move by the NHL trading deadline, they have a plan in place to keep them from revolting.

Every female season ticket holder gets a date with Drew Doughty.

I can only imagine that Drew Doughty would be willing to do this type of fan outreach.

"Anything for the team, boss."

So what do I, Fake Chris Kontos, think that GM Dean Lombardi will do today? Well, Brad Richards ain't being traded to a Conference rival, let alone a Division rival. The asking price of Brayden Schenn for any combination of Ales Hemsky and Dustin Penner is too much... so I think Dean will make a solid pitch for David Booth and if he can't get him... Dean will call it a day. And then Oscar Moller or Bud Holloway... Kings nation will turn its lonely trade deadline eyes to you.

Well, it's finally over. A 10 game, 23 day long road trip all across this great country of ours and our neighbOUr to the north. Let's take a final look at the Road Trip Tallyboard...

One regulation loss in 10 road games. Not too shabby!

After finishing 6-1-3 during their 10 Game Road Trip from Hell, the Los Angeles Kings have really cleared up some of the logjam in the Western Conference Playoff Race.

Or not.
I haven't seen this much action in the 70's since The Wonder Years. 

But the Los Angeles Kings weren't the only thing coming into Anaheim on fire... Indiana Matt has been tearing it up. In regards to the dicey goaltending situation for the Ducks, Indiana Matt thought that sensitive would be the most obvious route. 

I feel that Jonas Hiller finally had a mirror installed in his Orange County home and that is the cause of his recent dizziness.

The horror, the horror.

And since he's a notorious gamer, how could Indiana Matt resist? 

Now, after a tough stretch on the road, the Kings gear up for easy homestand against the Minnesota Wild, Colorado Avalanche, Detroit Red Wings, Vancouver Canucks and the Dallas Stars. That right there are 10 gimme points for the Kings, no problem. Screw first in the Pacific, we are coming for your ass, Vancouver!!! 

Big game Thursday night against the Wild. A win here puts the Kings only 6 points out of 11th place in the West! Damn, we are in a tight spot!

"Hey, Stolly, you know all about tight spots, right. You playa!"

"Guilty as charged!"

"A-ha-ha-ha! What a gigolo!"

Check out The State of Hockey News for all of the news... about the state of hockey... in Minnesota. 

As we head closer and closer to the NHL playoffs, it gets tougher and tougher to truly know whether your favorite Western Conference team is actually in the playoff race or not. For instance, the Los Angeles Kings jumped from 9th place to 7th place Tuesday night in the West while one of the 4 teams they are tied with dropped from 8th to 11th... even though the Dallas Stars have the same amount of points as the Kings. Confusing, right? We introduced The Royal Half Playoff Tracker 3000!!! to help simplify the Western Conference race... but it's becoming painfully obvious that no matter how advanced the technology of the Playoff Tracker 3000!!! is... it's just not enough. So now, presenting The Royal Half Los Angeles Kings Playoff Threat Level Meter!!!

The goal is simple. You want to be as hot as possible heading into the playoffs. Tom Webster was the only coach that has consistently led this franchise to a high conference finish and made it deep-ish into the playoffs, reaching the 2nd round in 2 of his 3 playoff appearances. Plus, he had a great right hook.

Andy Murray led this franchise to 2 things... either an 7th seed in the playoffs... or 20th overall in the NHL. (Okay, fine, Coach Andy Murray's 1st season with the Kings had them at a 5th seed in the West.) Sure, Barry Melrose led the Kings to the Stanley Cup finals in his first season as a NHL coach. But I think we all know that was a one-time fluke.  Larry Robinson was a decent coach on some god-awful Kings teams and Marc Crawford... well, I think we all know how that turned out. So what Playoff Threat Level are the Los Angeles Kings at right now?

If the Los Angeles Kings beat the Ducks Wednesday in Anaheim to finish off their 10 Game Road Trip, then this team could be 6th place in the Western Conference. Playoff Threat Level Tom Webster... here we come!!!

So... are the Los Angeles Kings in the NHL Playoffs or not? Let's look at the Western Conference standings.

Well that's no help. 

Maybe the official Royal Half Playoff Tracker 3000!!! can shed some light on it. 

Well, can anyone tell me at the very least if the Kings have earned points in the last 8 road games?!?

Whew.

Kings 3, Rangers 4 (SO)