Look... if I had a wife was as hot as Dustin Penner's wife... I'd eat whatever she'd put in front of me, not matter how much pain it caused.
Mmmmm. Pancakes.
Dustin Penner and Jessica Welch were married during the All-Star Break in 2011. (Good thing Penner knew he'd have a couple days down and wouldn't be selected to the All-Star Team, right? RIGHT?!?.) Jessica Welch might have a thing for hockey players already since she's Richard Zednik's ex-wife but even though there are rumors of infidelity between Penner and Welch... I can tell they are in love. How can I tell? Because I've seen their wedding video, that's how. (And you should go to that link soon too, because it will probably come down.)
Presenting the only thing Dustin Penner has scored on in 2011-2012.
Jessica poses in Dustin Penner's natural position. Sitting.
I can't even imagine the amount of mullets those women have seen naked.
For one second, I was trying to figure out why Jarome Iginla was Dustin Penner's best man.
Women may come and go... but he'll always have that fucking Ducks Stanley Cup Ring.
Wipe that smile off your face Mr. 2 Goals in 2011-2012.
Trust me, Dustin. That's the last ring you are going to be putting on for while. Unless the KHL gives out rings. But even then you won't.
Really, Dustin? At 4.25 million per year you couldn't afford the white seamless dance floor? I MEAN, COME ON!
The best part of Dustin Penner's wedding video is that it shows that Dustin Penner is ready for the next big step in his career...
It's weird that the Washington DC feed had the best angle of Jack Johnson "Tebowing"... because aren't they supposed to have seperation of church and state?
What is it with Los Angeles Kings players and big-time goal celebrations after Coach Murray's have been fired? Remember this gem from 2006?
Well, just a mere 5 days after Andy Murray was fired from the Kings, Sean Avery mocked his former coach and his penchant for pushups in a goal celebration. Of course, Sean Avery began his career of off-ice suspensions a month later and we all know how that turned out. So who knows if Darryl Sutter is going to come down hard on Jack Johnson (I get the feeling he kinda likes it) but The Royal Half has a couple suggestions for Jack Johnson since he seems to be super in-tune with Pop Culture.
HEYYYYY, JACK JOHNSON!
Infinitely more popular than Tebowing in its heyday, the Macarena truly swept America off its feet. And it's even more popular today! Plus, it seems like something that Jack Johnson would do anyway... especially when drunk at a wedding. But I worry that the Macarena isn't Pop Culture enough to satisfy Jack Johnson's thirst for his goal celebrations.
Yes! Nothing screams lasting power like a Planking goal celebration! And Jack Johnson wouldn't be the first NHL player to Plank. But we all know that Planking is so passe now, right? RIGHT?!?
If Jack Johnson really wants to improve on his Pop Culture goal celebrations, then he should look closer to home. Because last week, Drew Doughty started a new craze when scoring a goal... Crotching!
Since Jack Johnson has a friendly rivalry with his defensive buddy Drew Doughty... I suggest the following goal celebration to really take it to the next level.
Who knows what Jack Johnson's next goal celebration will be? And since that was Jack Johnson's 1st goal in 17 games... who knows if he may ever score again! But I'm sure that the next time he does score, Jack Johnson's goal celebration will be as culturally relevant as Tebowing. Maybe next time he'll even steal a page out of his Dad's celebration playbook.
"I woke up fine, sat down to eat and it locked right up. It never happened to me before. I couldn’t stand up. I was probably at the third stage of evolution....
“Apparently it’s one of those mysterious things, where you can throw it out (from) sneezing. I just leaned over to dip into some delicious pancakes that my wife made.”
And sometimes... it's just too easy:
Remember when those Toronto Maple Leaf fans were throwing waffles onto their ice of their home team?
LA Kings fans... assuming Dustin Penner gets back into the lineup for the Kings... you know what to do. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!
Recently The Globe and Mail's columnist, Eric Duhatschek, earmarked tonight's Los Angeles Kings - Washington Capitals matchup as an important one... in terms of showcasing the 2 most dissapointing teams this NHL season.
"The Kings and Capitals both joined the ranks of teams purging their coaches. Six in all joined the hired-to-be-fired brigade, including Terry Murray in L.A., where he was replaced by Darryl Sutter and Bruce Boudreau, replaced in Washington by Dale Hunter.
Rarely has a year seen so many highly paid, high-end talents sputter off to singularly mediocre starts - Anze Kopitar in L.A., and Alex Ovechkin in Washington were just two players not providing very much bang for their bucks."
PENNER PANCAKE EDITION: The rules are still simple. Just guess the exact time and period that Dustin Penner scores his 3rd goal of the seasontonight against the Capitals... and you win a free t-shirt from The Royal Half Gift Shoppe. AND AS AN EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS... The Royal Half will give you a $25 gift card to IHOP. You can put your predictions in the comments below or reply to me on Twitter with #PennerPoint. Good luck!
What's even rarer than 3 brothers playing in the NHL at the same time? (Well, 3 brothers besides the Sutters, I guess.) 3 brothers being featured as Pun Headlines on the front page of NHL.com in the same week, that's what!
I'm not sure if this Pun Headline is about Marc Staal's return to the lineup... or just blatant propaganda for the Russian Communist Party.
This is probably the first time the words "Eric Staal" and "good" have been used in the same sentence this season.
When we last saw the Columbus Blue Jackets on December 14th, the Kings had just fired Terry Murray and the Blue Jackets had just 9 wins. Today... a little under a month later, the Kings are 5-0-3 under Darryl Sutter and the Blue Jackets have just 10 wins. Who gives a shit about this game... just have Dean Lombardi figure out a way to trade for Rick Nash.
Actually, once the Kings traded for Nash... he'd forget how to score.
This game has potential disappointment written all over it. Please win, Kings.
No Goals in 13 Games.
With 0 goals in his last 13 games... now is as good a time as ever to bring back a triskaidekaphobia edition of PennerPoint! The rules are still simple. Just guess the exact time and period that Dustin Penner scores his 3rd goal of the seasontoday against the Blue Jackets... and you win a free t-shirt from The Royal Half Gift Shoppe. You can put your predictions in the comments below or reply to me on Twitter with #PennerPoint. Good luck!
Look... I'm really glad that the Los Angeles Kings are 5-0-3 since firing Terry Murray and replacing him with Darryl Sutter. But too many people are ignoring a growing problem... and now it's affecting young players that don't even know how to call for help in the native language of this country.
I'll give you 1 guess whose hand that is on Andrei Loktionov's shoulder.
How is it possible that he can even make faces like this?
Keep a close eye on how slowly Sutter pulls his hand away from Loktionov's shoulder. I'm telling you this is a scandal waiting to happen... I just hope it happens after the Kings make the playoffs..
Everybody has their theory on why Bernie Nicholls skated as a "consultant" for the Los Angeles Kings during their practice Wednesday afternoon. Some think that he is here to stay. Some think that he's here to help the team score more goals. And others are just incredibly psyched that he's here. There was even extensive video coverage of Nicholls' return to the Kings practice ice. But I think that I know the real reason why Bernie Nicholls was asked to work with the Kings yesterday.
This is the greatest porn I've ever seen on the Internet.
Since he's become such a huge fan of the LA Kings, Indiana Matt has been looking to move closer to Staples Center so he can be even more a part of the action. So imagine his surprise when he ran a quick check of the sexual predators living close to downtown and this came up:
That's so weird that Darryl Sutter would show up on a Registered Sex Offender search. Who could have seen that coming?!?
It's simple. Bernie Nicholls was brought in as insurance by the Kings Organization in case things with Darryl Sutter get a bit too... "handsy". Because after 2 weeks of being the Head Coach in Los Angeles... we've already seen the impact that Sutter has had on his players.
The Bernie Nicholls Era (Part 2) starts tonight at Staples Center against the Phoenix Coyotes. And since Bernie once scored 70 goals in a season as a LA King... teaching these boys how to score should be like shooting fish in a barrel.
GOOOOAL!!!!!
And as LaLiberte12 pointed out... it might be helpful for Darryl Sutter to have someone around that looks like Tim Allen.
Because he speaks the same language as Darryl Sutter.
Eventually, I'll make this a regular feature on Mondays (once the Los Angeles Kings stop having so many Monday night games) and we'll take a look back at the past week in LA Kings Videos, courtesy of the Official LA Kings Video Historian and Friend of the Blog... HarleyMae. This week... let's start with Drew Doughty and how he is maturing as a player this season.
Either Drew Doughty is actually European... or he must be very excited for the upcoming Summer Olympics.
According to Jim Fox, diving isn't the only weapon Drew Doughty has added to his repertoire this season.
7 million dollars a year there, folks.
Of course the biggest influence on Drew Doughty's game the last few weeks has been new LA Kings Head Coach, Darryl Sutter, and his "unique" coaching style.
I know that Darryl Sutter is a hands-on kinda guy... but I think Drew Doughty is taking it a bit too far.
I'm really starting to worry about the kind of atmosphere Darryl Sutter is creating on the Kings bench.
Sure, Simon Gagne might have been taken off the active roster last week... but the Kings brought a bunch of grizzled veterans with them on their recent road trip.
Wow. I had no idea that Kyle Clifford was actually spawned from a human.
His son might be a professional hockey player... but Bob Scuderi is not above wearing a jersey with autographs on it.
The Fathers of the LA Kings weren't the only celebrities that came to Staples Center last week...
If you consider Gene Simmons an actual celebrity.
Dustin Penner also made a return to his home state (province?!?) on the Kings road trip last week.
Dustin Penner played on a team called the "Zodiacs"? No wonder his game has been murderous this season.
I wish Jack Edwards could announce Dustin Penner all day long.
Since we waved good-bye to 2011 a few days ago, let's take a look back at the most depressing season-in-review video ever.
And presenting the worst idea ever.
Hey Dedicated Kings Fan... maybe next time you are on national television you'll take the chew out of your lip.
The video isn't the only thing that is fading about Daryl Evans' legend.
So in an effort to sell tickets to a Monday night game against a non-exciting opponent, the Kings held the 2nd of their "Legends Night" this season. The 1st Legends Night honored Bernie Nicholls, a player who was a King for 9 years and once scored 70 goals in a season. Monday's Legends Night honored a player who was a King for 105 games and scored 21 goals total.
Either Daryl Evans brought his Mom to the game... or he has the ugliest wife ever.
I wish there was some way to visually represent all of Daryl Evan's tremendous accomplishments as a LA King.
Ok... he was selected 178th Overall. I guess just being drafted is an accomplishment, right?
Evans is widely known for his 52 points in 113 NHL games. I guess this rules Dustin Penner out of a LA Kings Legends Night.
Oh right... the Miracle on Manchester goal. Wanna know what it's like to be a fan of the LA Kings? The most memorable goal in LA Kings history comes during the 3rd game of a 1st round playoff series. That's what it's like to be a fan of the LA Kings.
Sweet... Daryl Evans led the Kings in Playoff Scoring in 1982... the only year he played in the playoffs besides 1 game with Toronto in 1987.
It's awesome that Daryl Evans is being honored for his 13 seasons on the radio. Man, I hope Bob Miller will get honored by the Kings one day for his 39 seasons.
Well, if I got to hang out with those ladies I'd host the LA Kings 5k Run too.
Okay, well I guess I can't make fun of these.
Ugh, get that guy on the left out of the photo! I only want to see LA Kings Legends!!!
(On a side note... is it me or is Luc Robitaille looking more and more like young Tim Robbins these days?)
Most of Daryl Evans' family also joined the festivities, including his brother Tom on the far right...
... who is the smallest man I've ever seen in my life.
Oh god... we fucking get it already. Enough with the Miracle on Manchester!
So the Daryl Evans LA Kings Legends Night has come and gone. But I can't wait for the Drew Doughty Legend Night in 10 years... because it seems that the only qualification for being a LA Kings Legend is having one good season!
So tonight the Los Angeles Kings are honoring Radio Color Analyst, Daryl Evans, as a LA Kings Legend. But there's one problem... Daryl Evans actually wasn't very good as a player for the LA Kings. In fact... he was kinda awful.
Wanna know why Evans only played 11 games in 2 seasons for the Kings from 1983-1985? Because he was skating for the Kings minor league team at the time, the New Haven Nighthawks.
An artist's rendering of Daryl Evans as a Nighthawk.
Daryl Evans had 160 points in 169 games for the Nighthawks and is the 11th all-time leading scorer for the minor league franchise. But let's be honest... if it were not for 1 goal in Daryl Evans career, there is no way he'd be honored tonight. But oh man... what a goal it was.
So yes, Daryl Evans is being honored as a "LA Kings Legend" because he scored the winning goal in the Miracle on Manchester, a moment that looms large in Kings playoff history because the Kings eliminated the heavily favored Edmonton Oilers in 5 games. And what did the Kings do with all the momentum from that stunning upset? They went on to lose to the Vancouver Canucks in the 2nd round, 4-1. Daryl Evans was eventually traded to the Washington Capitals and then signed as a free agent with Toronto, playing a total of 8 more NHL games. Evans is now in his 13th season as the Radio Color Analyst for the Kings and is known around the Kings community as the guy who dresses a lot like Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood.
Don't get me wrong. I'm a fan of Daryl Evans and the work he does for the Kings, both in the broadcast booth and off the ice. But really... a "Legend"? I'm not really sure if he fits in a group with Rogie Vachon, Bob Berry, Bob Pulford, Bernie Nicholls and Charlie Simmer. If scoring 1 important playoff goal is the new marker for what makes a "Legend" in the history of an overall disappointing franchise, then I'd like to submit the 3 front-runners for the 2012-2013 LA Kings Legends Nights.
CHRIS KONTOS
Amazing photo via ChrisKontos.com. I love any photo that has Wayne Gretzky wearing the "A."
Sure, we may have an unhealthy obsession with Chris Kontos here at The Royal Half... but the numbers don't lie. An amazing playoff run in 1989 with 9 goals in 11 games. A record 6 Power Play goals in 1 NHL Playoff series. And much like the Daryl Evans-led Kings team of 1982... a 2nd Round Playoff loss to the Calgary Flames in 4 games. I mean, Chris Kontos just SCREAMS LA Kings Legend! In fact, just ask Don Cherry, who thinks Chris Kontos is a great Canadian boy.
TODD ELIK
April 10th, 1990... on the 8th Anniversary of the Miracle on Manchester, the Los Angeles Kings beat the Calgary Flames in the 4th game of their 1st round series, 12-4. Dave Taylor, Tony Granato and Tomas Sandstrom all had hat tricks, an NHL playoff record. (You can watch this game in it's entirety by downloading it from iTunes here. What a time we live in!) Dubbed the Massacre on Manchester, LA Kings rookie center, Todd Elik, had a goal and 3 assists which tied a Franchise Playoff Record for Points by a Rookie. Who does Elik share the record with? Daryl Evans, of course. Todd Elik also owns the Franchise Playoff Record for points in a series by a Kings rookie with 8. Elik played 122 games with the Kings, totalling 91 points before being traded to the Minnesota North Stars (!) for Randy Gilhen, Jim Thomson, and a fourth-round draft pick which eventually became Alexei Zhitnik. And guess what? Todd Elik just retired from playing professional hockey at the age of 43 after his final season with Thurgau of the Swiss-B league where he had 18 points in 13 games.
Todd Elik is still #1 in the hearts of LA Kings fans.
Darrell Evans became the first player to hit 40 home runs in both leagues, and at 38 became the oldest player ever to lead the league in home runs. Evans hit over 20 home runs in 10 different seasons and drew over 100 walks 5 times, with a career high 126 in 1974. In 1988 he hit his 400th home run, becoming the 22nd player to reach that milestone. He retired after having joined Reggie Jackson in becoming only the second player to hit 100 home runs with three different teams, and ranking in 11th place among all-time walks leaders. Evans hit 60 home runs in his 40s, at the time a major league record.
And yet with all these accolades, Darrell Evans is not a Hall of Famer. Maybe it's because of his .248 career batting average or that he shares a MLB record for committing 3 errors in an inning. Or maybe it's because he claims he was visited by an UFO. Either way... if you are going to make a Daryl Evans Legends night... why not make it an actual Darrell Evans who was a Legend?
