Top 4 Rejected Headlines in regards to Ilya Kovalchuk saying "no" to the Los Angeles Kings:

1) N'yet Gain
2) You Can't Spell ILYA with LA
3) Chuk Wagon Hitched to the East
4) Russian Regicide

The thought of someone paying the 10 year, 100 million contract that Ilya Kovalchuk is seeking is enough to make you throw up in your mouth.

Well played, Fox Sports.

Sure... on paper, the Los Angeles Kings look like the perfect destination for the #1 UFA. They have the cap space, the young, up-and-coming team, the lure of playing in the shadow of the Hollywood sign. But Dean Lombardi didn't work this hard... to come this far... and then piss it all away by signing one player to a ridiculous contract. I'm not saying that Kovalchuk is just in it for the money but when one of the premiere UFA defenseman takes a discount to play for a potential winner... it's obvious that Kovalchuk isn't offering any sort of deal to a team that would like to pay for his services.

Seriously, is this the guy you want on your team?
Ben Linus as a school teacher looks more threatening than this guy.

And let's remember... this is a negotiation... and Dean Lombardi LOVES to negotiate. So his public statement that the Kings are out... could just mean that the Kings are still in. But do the Kings really want Kovalchuk? Probably not. They won't want him for a 10 year, 100 million dollar contract... and the Kings aren't good enough to only want Kovalchuk for a 1 year contract. Kovalchuk is a once-in-a-lifetime type Free Agent... but is he worth the inability to re-sign Drew Doughty, Wayne Simmonds or Jon Bernier in a few years?

1) Il-advised
2) Il At Ease
3) Il-conceived

The only thing worse than the Kings not being able to close a deal with an NHL Superstar? What this Kings team looks like without closing a deal with an NHL superstar. Quisp has all the details.

Yikes. Just don't make a panic trade, okay Dean?

So that was kinda boring. Sure, the 2010 NHL Entry Draft provided some exciting moments for both Los Angeles Kings fans and the fans of NHL hockey in general… but at the end of the day, going in person to the NHL Entry Draft as a fan is like going to the world's largest sausage party.

I haven't seen this many ill-fitting suits since my last trip to Mens Wearhouse.
It's ok if I steal my own joke from Twitter, right?

I ended up only going to Day 1 of the Draft, which was just the first round. I feel like I got my fill of men walking up to a podium to announce some 18 year old that I've never heard of was about to make a few hundred thousands dollars. But I do think I will be wearing a suit for my next fantasy hockey draft, even if I'm conducting it over the internet from home. Even though what was going on inside was painstakingly boring, there was a quite an atmosphere outside. For a complete Royal Half photographic experience of the NHL 2010 Entry Draft...
check it out after the jump!!!

It's the eve of the NHL Draft and hockey bloggers from across the country are converging on Los Angeles to blog about hockey... and complain about LA traffic on Twitter. I'll be attending the NHL Draft tomorrow as a nerd fan hockey blogger while James O'Brien from NBC's Pro Hockey Talk will be attending as a full-fledged member of the Press... but that doesn't make him any less of a nerd hockey blogger. So if you are at the Draft tomorrow be sure to look out for these two guys.

The Royal Half and Cycle Like the Sedins are hitting the NHL Draft!

James will have full access to a glorious press box and gourmet finger foods while I'll probably have to watch the draft from the bowels of Staples Center. I'll be throwing photos and commentary up on Twitter throughout the day... so you can find me there @theroyalhalf. But the real question for the Draft tomorrow is... which member the of Philadelphia Flyers will the Kings be trading for to help the Flyer out with their salary cap situation?

As you may (or probably may not) have noticed, The Royal Half has been on a little bit of hiatus the last few weeks. But starting next Thursday, The Royal Half will be live from the NHL Draft in beautiful downtown Los Angeles. We'll be on the ground giving you a fans perspective of what it feels like to have the NHL draft under the giant shade of... palm trees? I don't have a fancy press pass like I'm sure other, more prominent LA Kings Bloggers might have... but I'm pretty sure Dean Lombardi will still ask me to come up and make a short speech before he announces the Kings' first pick.

The NHL Draft, concrete jungle where goofy smiles are made of.

For some reason, I'm more interested in the NHL Draft being in Los Angeles than I was with the All Star Game being here in 2002. Maybe it's because the logo was so lame.

Oh, I get it. Stars.

I think I'm excited about the NHL Draft in Los Angeles because for the first time in 5 years I won't have to actually worry about who the Kings are drafting. Sure, the LA Kings have the 19th overall pick... nothing to shake a carbon-fiber stick at... but as a long suffering Kings fan, it's very satisfying to not be in the Top 5.

You think we are gonna pay for Kovalchuk?
Kovalchuk is gonna pay me to play.

So if you are coming out to the Draft and would like to chat about famous moments in Los Angeles Kings' draft history such as trading the pick that would be Ray Bourque for a backup goalie, taking Aki Berg 3rd, Wayne McBean 4th, Lauri Tukonen 11th or Brian Boyle 26th overall... just hit me up on email or twitter for a good time.

The greatest score of Wayne McBean's professional hockey career.

In other, non-Draft news, the Los Angeles Kings continue their quest to become Philadelphia Flyers West by offering the recently vacated assistant coach job to John Stevens, the coach who was fired this season before the team went on its run to the Stanley Cup Finals. Honestly, as long as Stevens knows how to work the penalty kill, I'm fine with the Kings bringing another Philly boy out to LA. I mean, it's worked before, right?

I'm not sure if it's because Monday was a holiday here in the United States but the Head Pun Writer at NHL.com definitely was on vacation all last week. I mean, come on… let's see your "A" game! This is the Stanley Cup Finals!!!

Oh, I see what you did there.

Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta would like to know just how tall the writers at NHL.com are.

And even after the goal scoring clinic that was Game One of the Finals, it still felt like the pun writers at NHL.com were doing their best Marian Hossa impression… trying hard… but just not connecting.

This is the headline equivalent of 2 goals in 17 playoff games.

And then… after Monday's exciting Game 2… it turns out that all is right in the puniverse.

Seriously. How come no one thought of this sooner?

So while the NHL Stanley Cup Finals haven't really disappointed hockey fans (unless you happen to be from the general Philadelphia area)… I have to say... it's time for NHL.com to step up their game. Because as recently as only a week ago… they were a box office hit.

I would love to see a crossover between Variety and NHL.com.
It might look something like this:

Let's hope that Game 3 on Wednesday awakens both the Philadelphia Flyers and the NHL.com pun writers.

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Now, Philadelphians get all sorts of notoriety for being hardcore sports fans. So the question of morality doesn't really come up too much when talking about Philadelphia fans. (In fact, most loyal readers of The Royal Half will know that morality doesn't really come into play on this site... usually ever.) But tonight, while trying to convince me to scalp tickets for Game 4 on Friday night when I'll be on the east coast, Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy came across this ad on Craigslist.

So your father passes away. You are headed out of town to the funeral and you have 2 tickets to the hottest sporting event around. The morality question... do you scalp and try to make a large sum of money before you leave for the funeral? Or just try to get the tickets to someone who will enjoy the game? It seems like a plot line from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. But I'm pretty sure this Flyers fan is selling his tickets for face value... so maybe Philly sports fans do have morals after all.

One of the best storylines of the 2010 NHL Playoffs has been the coming out party of Dustin Byfuglien. The 25 year old left winger/former defenseman has 8 goals in 16 playoff games, 4 of them game-winning. At 6' 4" and 257 pounds, he has announced his presence with authority in front of the opposing goalies net. But the biggest factor of Byfuglien's game are the intangibles... you see, both his first and last name are incredibly useful in making awesome puns on the NHL.com front page.

With the possibility of more headlines like these, it's easy to get excited about the Chicago Blackhawks having the opportunity to win their first Stanley Cup in 49 years. But if Chicago is going to win the Cup, I'm hoping that NHL.com can do better than this.

I'm pretty sure the song is Sweet Home Chicago, no?

If the Blackhawks lift the Stanley Cup over their heads in a week and a half... I'd go with "History Buff." But even though NHL.com failed with the celebration of the Blackhawks being the Western Conference Champions, they certainly didn't disappoint when trying to get fans to buy Western Conference Champion merchandise.

Jon Toews will stare through your soul until you buy a Western Conference Champs t-shirt.

And who are the Chicago Blackhawks going to battle in the Stanley Cup Finals? Well, we might find that out tonight. But if the recent Pun Headlines are any indication, the Montreal Canadiens hab-it of appearing on the front page of NHL.com may be coming to an end.

Take a closer look at that bottom line of video clips.

It's almost like the pun writer is just showing off now.

Hockey Blogging God, James Mirtle, commented last week that the NHL.com policy of "Hab" filled headlines "hab to be stopped." Well, the Canadiens magical run in the 2010 Playoffs may come to an end tonight... but if so, they left us with a beauty.

Until now, this was the biggest hit Mark Hardy had ever given to Los Angeles Kings fans:

But it looks like that might have changed. I think RudyKelly's brother said it best... "Why couldn't it be Jamie Kompon?" If true, this is one messed up story and I feel confident in saying we've probably seen the last of Mark Hardy and his Penalty Killing Power behind the bench of the Los Angeles Kings. I mean it's one thing for an organization to stand by its Sideline Reporter Princess after she's had one too many drinks while trying to get Jarret Stoll to invite her home... but man-handling (allegedly) your daughter? That's gonna be a tough PR campaign to fight.

The best part of this whole mess was the LA Times Fabulous Forum Blog's mea culpa for forgetting that it's actually part of a real newspaper and not TMZ.

It all started innocently enough on March 16th, almost a full month before the NHL playoffs began. That's when this first appeared on the front page of NHL.com:

At the time, the Montreal Canadiens were in the midst of a 6 game winning streak that had vaulted them back into playoff contention. Little did we know that the "Hab" in "Habs" would become the hottest trend in the playoffs next to Montreal goaltender, Jaroslav Halak, winning Game 7's. For example, when the Canadiens tied up their 2nd round series against the defending Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins:

And when the Canadiens eliminated the Penguins in Game 7?

And hey... ESPN... why don't you just stick to selling advertising for your local web sites or not covering the indiscretions of athletes that appear on your network. Let's leave the hockey pun headlines to the professionals, okay?

It seems that everything is going so well for the Canadiens that there is nothing that will stop their ascent to the front page of NHL.com.

Oh, right. That whole "not winning Game 1" thing.

special thanks to TRH Reader, Brian M., for the ESPN screengrab!!!

These 2nd round Stanley Cup Playoff series have been quite prolific for the NHL. And for hockey fans in the Eastern Conference, the excitement of these series is well covered in the NHL.com headlines... and it certainly rings true!

If Boston plays Montreal in Round 3, I'm calling right now the headline, "Hell's Bell's"...
when Miroslav Satan scores a game winner.

Um... I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "see-MOHN."

And in the Western Conference, there's no East Coast Bias in sight anywhere on NHL.com, as the headline for the San Jose Sharks march to the 3rd round certainly wasn't "dialed-in."

I really feel like the NHL missed an opportunity here with "The Sharks Not Ready to Jump the Shark."

The Top 3 Songs by the Band Kansas that can be used by NHL.com for Pun Headlines:

1. Carry On Wellwood Son
2. Umm...
3. Turns out that Dust in The Wind and Carry On Wayward Son are the only 2 Kansas songs

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The other day, in my real job, I needed to find a different word for the adjective "upset." So I used my MacBook Pro's trusty built-in dictionary and the results were rather surprising.

Let's zoom in for a closer look, shall we?

I'm running the latest system software on my MacBook Pro, so I figure there is no way they could be referring to the Houston Oilers. So there you have it... according to Apple, any win by the Edmonton Oilers would be an "upset" or a "surprise win" or a "shocker." Apple Computer hates the Edmonton Oilers.

Maybe you should get out of the 2nd round against last year's Stanley Cup Champion first.

Special thanks to Benched Whale for finding this gem.