Oh... this is happening, people.
When Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck started writing her Know Your Opponent series for The Royal Half just 2 1/2 months ago... I had no idea that her record when she previewed the opposing teams in the most sexist, objectifying way would be 5-1. (Curse you, regular season game against Vancouver!) So basically what I'm saying is that if the Los Angeles Kings lose the Stanley Cup Final to the New Jersey Devils... it will all be Brigitte's fault. Without any further ado... Brigitte's complete mental breakdown over the Kings-Devils Stanley Cup Final!!!
So the Kings are in the Stanley Cup final, no big deal right? Right. Since it is the Stanley Cup final, I thought I would give a little more in-depth look at the Kings opponent. There's actual words and not just pictures...I know it's weird. I know a lot of people are unfamiliar with the Devils, since they play in the Eastern Conference, so I will be looking at individual players rather than a whole team overview. I will be comparing them to players you actually do know, your Los Angeles Kings. I will compare the two players similarities and differences, let you know which one is more attractive (because I'm incredibly shallow), and then I will promptly rip the Devils player apart and tell you why the Kings player is clearly better.
(PS: I'm so sorry to any Rangers fans who might be reading this. I jinxed you. I wrote the Rangers Know Your Opponent a few days ago, because I was convinced they were making it to the final. It was awesome, and I'm sad no one will ever read it. Mostly though I would like to apologize to New York Rangers fans.)
Zach Parise v. Dustin Brown
Come on Zach, you know you wanna touch it.
Actual Analysis: Zach Parise and Dustin Brown are both young American-born captains. Zach is from the "State of Hockey", Minnesota, while Dustin Brown is from upstate New York. Both players are the hardest working players on their teams. They set the tone for their teammates, and define their teams identity. Dustin is known for his hard hitting, while Zach is known for his offensive abilities. Both were key players for team USA in the Olympics.
Overall Attractiveness: I'm not going to lie, Zach Parise gets me going. I love Dustin, but he's goofy looking (no offense). I will no doubt lick the glass as Zach Parise skates by me. So yummy. Come to me Zach.
Why Dustin Brown is Better: Sure Zach may be adorable, but Dustin Brown has made every other teams' Captain his personal bitch. Zach will need to get Henrik Sedin, David Backes, and Shane Doan's numbers because he'll be joining their support group soon. Dustin Brown owns you. Zach Parise is a bitch.
Ilya Kovalchuk v. Anze Kopitar
Ilya Kovalchuk hugs the glass after a goal, Anze Kopitar hugs Dustin Brown.
Clearly no one likes Ilya Kovalchuk.
Actual Analysis: Both Ilya Kovalchuk and Anze Kopitar are the most offensively skilled players on their teams. Kovalchuk is known for his quick shot and amazing accuracy. Kopitar, however, is the better two way player. While Kovy has stepped up his defensive game lately, he's still the most deadly sniper on the Devils roster. Both players have the ability to break open games with their skill and speed.
Overall Attractiveness: I think everyone knows where this is going. Kopi is quite possibly the nicest guy on earth, but he's got that Walking Dead thing going on. Kovy is actually pretty attractive, especially with that awesome playoff beard. I still love you though Kopi.
Why Anze Kopitar is Better: Kovalchuk is a one-trick pony. Sure he's gotten better defensively lately, but honestly he's no where near the two-way player Kopitar is. Kovy can only dream of being the complete player that Kopitar is. Kovalchuk wears Anze Kopitar pajamas to bed. You suck Kovalschmuck.
Adam Henrique v. Dwight King/Jordan Nolan
What is it with the glass humping in New Jersey?
Adam, if you're lonely you don't need to hump the glass, I'm right here.
Actual Analysis: Adam Henrique has been a rookie sensation. With two overtime series clinching goals, he's been absolutely clutch for the Devils. He's a Calder Trophy nominee and has had a huge impact all season long. Both Dwight King and Jordan Nolan have also infused their rookie exuberance onto the Kings and have made a huge impact. Dwight King has been a surprise offensively, while Jordan Nolan has been a strong physical presence.
Oh, OK. Whatever Adam Henrique, you just take your cheekbones and go home.
Overall Attractiveness: Despite his kind of awkward facial hair, Adam Henrique is beautiful. Seriously, look at that bone structure. My good lord. Dwight King is creepy. Like "cover your house in gasoline, light a match, and watch it burn down will smiling" creepy. Jordan Nolan is, I don't know. Really, I can't figure out what's happening there.
Why Dwight King and Jordan Nolan are Better: Well, there's two of them. Plus either Dwight King or Jordan Nolan could probably murder Adam Henrique if they wanted to. Dwight King might actually want to. I really don't want to run into him in a dark alley.
Martin Brodeur v. Jonathan Quick
Please look at the people NHL Network hires to run their cameras. What is that?
Actual Analysis: Martin Brodeur is one of the best goaltenders of all time. Even at the age of 40 he's been having an excellent post season, and has made some absolutely breathtaking saves. Jonathan Quick however has been the best goalie in the playoffs. His athleticism is amazing. Both goalies have been stellar and getting a puck past either will be difficult.
Overall Attractiveness: This is an interesting choice. I have to go with Quick. Even though he looks like a 12 year old, he's still better than Mr. Cheeseburger. Plus Quick's playoff beard is amazing.
Why Jonathan Quick is Better: Jonathan Quick is America. He is all of America, he is me and you, he is red, white and blue. He shits American flags and breaths sweet American freedom. He might look like a 12 year old, but he's an all-American man. Every time Jonathan Quick makes a save a bald eagle is born. AMERICA!
Drew Doughty v. Mark Fayne
Drew Doughty does embarrassing things, like wearing socks and sandals.
Mark Fayne does embarrassing things, like being Mark Fayne.
There's no analysis here. I just wanted everyone to know that Mark Fayne is a top pair defenseman on the Devils. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Players with the Same Name
I can guarantee one thing... Carter, Greene and Bernier will get their names on the cup. Man, I'm so clever right? So how do these players with the same name stack up? Let's do a beard-by-beard comparison too see.
Ryan Carter v. Jeff Carter
Ginger beard always beats out creeper mustache, this is a fact of life.
Andy Greene v. Matt Greene
Matt Greene eats pieces of shit like Andy Greene for breakfast.
Matt and his Viking beard of sunshine will go head to head with Andy's dark and shaggy beard all day.
Steve Bernier v. Jonathan Bernier
Jonathan's bench warmer beard is glorious.
Sorry Steve you might actually get to play, but Jonathan has the beard of a champion.
(TRH NOTE: I too have been overly impressed with the quality of Jon Bernier's playoff beard.)
I don't have much to say about David Clarkson really. Just look at at that man and his beard.
He is beautiful, WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED ABOUT THIS EARLIER? I want to touch your face sir.
He's amazingly pretty without the beard too. Mother of God.
When I started writing this I was determined to be serious, but I just couldn't help myself. Oh well. Suck it Devils!