When I asked Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck to write a "Know Your Opponent" for the Los Angeles Kings against the Vancouver Canucks... she thought it would be a fun one-time gig. Then when she wrote another one for the St. Louis Blues series... she thought that Jordan Nolan had a better chance of scoring a goal than writing one for Round 3. Well... here we are... and Brigitte probably thinks the Virgin Mary herself has a better chance of bleeding from her eyes than the LA Kings do advancing to the Stanley Cup Finals.
So here we are, the Kings are in the Western Conference finals, and of course that means another opponent for me to give my expert analysis on. This round the Kings will play their Pacific Division rivals the Phoenix Coyotes. I'm sure every Kings fan is familiar with the Coyotes right? I mean they're loaded with star players like Boyd Gordon, David Schlemko and of course the amazing Jason LaBarbera. How will the Kings ever match up with that kind of high-end talent?
Even a half-dead Mike Smith is better than Jason LaBarbera.
In all seriousness the Coyotes will probably be the most difficult match-up for the Kings so far this post-season. Why? Because they're a bunch of sneaky little assholes. They sneaked up on the Blackhawks, they sneaked up on the Predators, and if the Kings don't pay attention they'll sneak up on them too. Luckily I'm here to expose the Coyotes sneaky ways for the masses.
The Coyotes are Sneaky Hot
When I say sneaky hot I don't mean they're good hockey players, I mean they're sexy. I had no idea these guys were good looking. Shit, I didn't even know half these guys existed.
Warning: looking directly into Taylor Pyatt's eyes may cause severe damage to your soul.
Fuck mother you are gorgeous.
"Hi I'm Rusty Klesla and the camera loves my face."
Things that also love Rusty's face: Pucks, sticks, and my body.
Oh hey Antione Vermette! Why was I unaware of your existence until now?
Oh yea you played for Columbus.
That's cool Boedker just hanging out with small children, that's not incredibly adorable or anything.
Dammit what a beautiful Danish human.
Everyone just looks this epic and beautiful in pictures right?
No offense to Colin Fraser but I think Gilbert Brule might have fit in better with the Kings.
WHY MUST EVERYONE ON THIS TEAM PIERCE MY SOUL WITH THEIR EYES!
They don't call Ray Whitney "The Wizard" for nothing. Everyone knows he can make a great pass and his shot is fantastic, but he's also got a bit of Ryan Kesler in him. No he's not a blatant diver... he's a master at the interview bomb.
It's time to play Arizona's most popular game show "Name that Ray Whitney Face!"
This is the "This guy's an idiot" face.
Here we have the "crazed coke-addict" face.
The "I can't believe this guy is still talking I'm gonna make a stupid face and see if he notices" face.
Here's the "Everyone else in this picture knows what's happening except Vermette" face.
The "Hey kid I have some candy in my rusty van" face.
The "I'm trying to look at ugly as Adrian Aucoin" face.
Here's the "I watch you while you sleep because I set up hidden cameras in your house" face.
The "I'll find you if you ever leave me" face.
The Coyotes are Sneaky Likable
I can't help it, these guys are actually kind of likable. For one I HATE the Nashville Predators, so of course I'm grateful to the Coyotes for getting rid of them, their damn yellow jerseys, and their stupid fans. They also seem like a bunch of fun guys, and come on how to you hate on a guy like Shane Doan?
Awww man love.
Look how cute Mike Smith is here doing his best Tinkerbell impression.
Hot damn that is one awesome hockey hug.
Not gonna lie I wanna party with Keith Yandle.
It only took Shane Doan 1,161 games to get his first hat trick.
It's so sad and pathetic you just have to be happy for the guy.
Look at Biz, even in the penalty box he's thinking of the fans. What a guy.
I have no idea what's happening in this photo, but it looks like he's having a great fucking time.
10 bucks say Yandle is hiding a boner right there.
The Coyotes have been a bit of a Cinderella story so far this playoffs, but it's midnight and it's time for that carriage they've been riding to turn back into a pumpkin. They can't sneak up on anyone now. I have unveiled their secrets, so don't be fooled by their good looks and winning personalities. It's time for the Kings to finally silence than damn Coyote howl.
PS: I was totally just going to post a bunch of really inappropriate pictures of Paul Bissonnette, but I figured you guys wouldn't want that. Oh what's that? You wanna see them. Oh OK I'll show you one just because you asked nicely.