Things that happened in less than 14 days:

The Battle of the Alamo

2010 Stanley Cup Finals

The recording of the first Beatles album, Please Please Me. (9 hours and 45 minutes)

Wally Backman's Major League Baseball managerial career.

Hanukkah

The longest official Cricket game ever

The Indo-Pakistani war

The Britney Spears-Jason Alexander Wedding

Former Los Angeles King Brian Willsie signing his 3rd professional contract.

As we all know, the biggest story of this NHL Free Agency Period has been the trading of RFA Jaroslav Halak to the St. Louis Blues from the Montreal Canadiens. And when Halak signed a four-year, $15 million dollar contract this week, the headline writers at NHL.com must have been salivating, considering their epic use of Halak-y Puns in the past.

Really? Blues Ink Halak? That's all you got?
I don't get it... is it like blue ink in a pen? The pen that he used to sign the contract?

There is only one acceptable pun headline for the St. Louis Blues signing of Halak: Halak is the New Blue. Did you know this piece of Blues Pun-Related Trivia courtesy of Wikipedia?

The name Blues is a pun (play on words) between the colour blue and Blues music; thus a blue note is the team's logo. There is a song entitled St. Louis Blues.

Of course, the real story of the week has been KovyWatch2000™ as a nation stands by breathlessly to see which NHL team will overpay for Ilya Kovalchuk and eventually try to figure out a way to trade him 5 years into a 14 year contract. I don't know which teams are having the bigger battles over Kovy.. the Los Angeles Kings vs the New Jersey Devils… or the headline writers at NHL.com vs the headline writers at FoxSports.com.

FoxSports.com. Ok, Ilya is a left winger. And since everyone including
Vaclav Fuckin' Prospal signed on Day 1... this makes total sense as a pun headline.

NHL.com. Going with the trend started in the first headline...
I think "Left Out" would have made more sense.

Come on FoxSports.com... act like you been there before. Too easy!

NHL.com. Get it... "courting"... like a Kings' Court!

This is part where NHL.com stopped caring. About headlines and about photos.

This is the part where FoxSports.com actually started covering some real hockey news.

Sadly this is only the 2nd best re-telling of the Kovalchuk drama in photos.
McSwarley has the 1st.

The real loser in KovyWatch2000™? Taylor Hall. Whose act of signing his first professional contract was lost in the Kovy Headline Shuffle.

I really hope Taylor Hall doesn't go on to have a Hall of Fame career...
because those headlines will be really annoying in 20 years.

And finally, it's definitely not a pun… but I love it when NHL.com gets its streams crossed with US Weekly.

If you believe every single fucking person on the internet... Ilya Kovalchuk will be signing a contract with the Los Angeles Kings sometime on Monday. I'll believe it when I see it... but is there any Kings fan out there that doesn't think Dean will get it done and get it done with a decent deal? Apparently, Ilya Kovalchuk is in Los Angeles right now so that he and the Kings Or-gan-i-zation can meet face to face. Yeah, right... these multi-million dollar contracts are always hammered out over a Double-Double Animal Style at In N Out Burger. So there is a good chance that Kovy is tooling around Los Angeles right now in his Dodge rental car trying to figure out how to pronounce Sepulveda. If he's like any of the hockey bloggers that came to Los Angeles for the Entry Draft... he's probably tweeting about how much the traffic sucks.

Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Sharkeez?
I'm supposed to meet Jarret Stoll there.

If you happen to see Kovy wandering around The Grove, be sure to go up to him and say hi and that you'd really like him to play hockey in Los Angeles for cheap-ish. But the biggest meeting will be when the 27 year old Kovalchuk meets the current best Los Angeles Kings player signed to a long-term contract... 22 year-old Anze Kopitar. I've said it before, but I think it might go something like this...

Adobe Flash Player not installed or older than 9.0.115!

Kopi-Kovy. Kovy-Kopi.

Come on, bro. You know you want to join me here...
kneeled awkwardly on a crown.

With everything that has been said today about Ilya Kovalchuk... I think that Down Goes Brown said it best....

Fun fact: At ten days and counting, the Ilya Kovalchuk Sweepstakes have lasted longer than any post-season Kovalchuk has ever experienced.

Tomorrow has the possibility of being the biggest day in Los Angeles Kings history since... well, some Canuck got traded here.

If you know anything about this blog, you know that for every season that myself and my Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy have bought our Half-Season Ticket Package for the Los Angeles Kings.... they didn't make the playoffs. 7 years (8 if you include the Lockout) of all the fun of being Half-Season Ticket Holders... but without any of the playoffs. This unfortunate circumstance even led to the creation of The Royal Half official tag-line... "CONFESSIONS OF A 7 YEAR LOS ANGELES KINGS HALF-SEASON TICKET HOLDER... THE SAME 7 YEARS THEY HAVEN'T MADE THE PLAYOFFS."

The closest thing I could find to "sad Kings fan."

Well, it's with great pride and honor that I announce The Royal Half is now able to shed its reputation of being a blog that follows a team that is a consistent loser and can't make the playoffs. Presenting our new tag-line!

When the Chicago Blackhawks won their first Stanley Cup in 47 years my immediate thought was "hmm, I gotta think that the Kings are now near the top in terms of longest time without ever winning the Cup."A few internet clicks later and I learned the shocking truth.

The Kings are in a vicious 3-way tie for longest amount of time without a Stanley Cup. And since the Toronto Maple Leafs supposedly won a Cup in 1966-67, the Kings and St. Louis Blues have gone the longest without ever winning the Stanley Cup. I know it's hard being a Kings fan... but could you imagine being a Blues fan? You make it to 3 consecutive Stanley Cup Finals out of the gate as a franchise... and then nothing since.

You know, now that you mention it...
it was the Blues that gave up that easy goal to Orr in the '70 Finals.

So the Kings are now 42 seasons without the Stanley Cup. And to be honest, they only got close once. Heck, the Kings have only ever been in the Conference Finals twice. So now that the Kings have got the whole "making the playoffs" piano off their back... can a "win the Stanley Cup" one be far behind? I think so... as long as they can keep this guy around:

No, this guy:

Dean Lombardi is exactly the right guy for Kovy-Gate. Because you know what it takes to win Stanley Cups in the Salary Cap era? It takes Brass Balls.

Glen Sather? Nope. Darryl Sutter? Nope. Bryan Murray? Nope. Dean Lombardi and Lou Lamoriello may have the biggest pair in the NHL. They are taking Ilya Kovalchuk and his agents dream of a 10 million dollar a year payday... and holding it hostage. This isn't about Kovalchuk not being able to make a decision... this is about 2 General Managers who are not willing to back down. It has all the intrigue of a cat and mouse political thriller... especially in the way that Dean Lombardi has used the LA Times and the power of Twitter to his negotiating advantage.

"See, what you've got here is the ability to keep a core group together for a long period
of time while at the same time checking off a box for that elite talent that...."

"Dean, give me 5 minutes with that Russian jerk-off and I'll get him to sign for 3 million a year."

"Give me one season with that asshole and I'll teach him how to backcheck."

Once the Kovalchuk dust has settled... and Kovalchuk has signed with the Kings for a cap-manageable amount of money OR the Kings have passed on a crazy contract that would screw the team in the long term... will Dean Lombardi come out as the best General Manager in Los Angeles Kings history? Well, no matter what happens with the Kovalchuk negotiation that shouldn't be too hard actually. It's not like he has the toughest competition.

Tim Leiweke is no patron saint of patience when it comes to running a sports franchise... but as a long time Kings fan, it's hard to be upset that Kovalchuk hasn't signed when you hear this.

"We really would love to add Kovi to our team, but not at the cost of our good young players," Tim Leiweke, the Kings' governor and chief executive of parent company AEG, said Wednesday night. "Dean is trying here, but we know what we need in cap space going forward to keep our nucleus together. We can't let one guy throw us into panic in a year or two. It is not about cash. It is about cap."

Do I think the Kings win the Stanley Cup next season with Kovalchuk? No. Without him? Certainly not. But are the Los Angeles Kings a step closer with Dean Lombardi as GM to winning a Stanley Cup than they ever were with Wayne Gretzky or Rogie Vachon? Hell yes.

This is what I see:

And this is what I hear:

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH RE-ENGAGED BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Top 4 Rejected Headlines in regards to Ilya Kovalchuk saying "no" to the Los Angeles Kings:

1) N'yet Gain
2) You Can't Spell ILYA with LA
3) Chuk Wagon Hitched to the East
4) Russian Regicide

The thought of someone paying the 10 year, 100 million contract that Ilya Kovalchuk is seeking is enough to make you throw up in your mouth.

Well played, Fox Sports.

Sure... on paper, the Los Angeles Kings look like the perfect destination for the #1 UFA. They have the cap space, the young, up-and-coming team, the lure of playing in the shadow of the Hollywood sign. But Dean Lombardi didn't work this hard... to come this far... and then piss it all away by signing one player to a ridiculous contract. I'm not saying that Kovalchuk is just in it for the money but when one of the premiere UFA defenseman takes a discount to play for a potential winner... it's obvious that Kovalchuk isn't offering any sort of deal to a team that would like to pay for his services.

Seriously, is this the guy you want on your team?
Ben Linus as a school teacher looks more threatening than this guy.

And let's remember... this is a negotiation... and Dean Lombardi LOVES to negotiate. So his public statement that the Kings are out... could just mean that the Kings are still in. But do the Kings really want Kovalchuk? Probably not. They won't want him for a 10 year, 100 million dollar contract... and the Kings aren't good enough to only want Kovalchuk for a 1 year contract. Kovalchuk is a once-in-a-lifetime type Free Agent... but is he worth the inability to re-sign Drew Doughty, Wayne Simmonds or Jon Bernier in a few years?

1) Il-advised
2) Il At Ease
3) Il-conceived

The only thing worse than the Kings not being able to close a deal with an NHL Superstar? What this Kings team looks like without closing a deal with an NHL superstar. Quisp has all the details.

Yikes. Just don't make a panic trade, okay Dean?

So that was kinda boring. Sure, the 2010 NHL Entry Draft provided some exciting moments for both Los Angeles Kings fans and the fans of NHL hockey in general… but at the end of the day, going in person to the NHL Entry Draft as a fan is like going to the world's largest sausage party.

I haven't seen this many ill-fitting suits since my last trip to Mens Wearhouse.
It's ok if I steal my own joke from Twitter, right?

I ended up only going to Day 1 of the Draft, which was just the first round. I feel like I got my fill of men walking up to a podium to announce some 18 year old that I've never heard of was about to make a few hundred thousands dollars. But I do think I will be wearing a suit for my next fantasy hockey draft, even if I'm conducting it over the internet from home. Even though what was going on inside was painstakingly boring, there was a quite an atmosphere outside. For a complete Royal Half photographic experience of the NHL 2010 Entry Draft...
check it out after the jump!!!

It's the eve of the NHL Draft and hockey bloggers from across the country are converging on Los Angeles to blog about hockey... and complain about LA traffic on Twitter. I'll be attending the NHL Draft tomorrow as a nerd fan hockey blogger while James O'Brien from NBC's Pro Hockey Talk will be attending as a full-fledged member of the Press... but that doesn't make him any less of a nerd hockey blogger. So if you are at the Draft tomorrow be sure to look out for these two guys.

The Royal Half and Cycle Like the Sedins are hitting the NHL Draft!

James will have full access to a glorious press box and gourmet finger foods while I'll probably have to watch the draft from the bowels of Staples Center. I'll be throwing photos and commentary up on Twitter throughout the day... so you can find me there @theroyalhalf. But the real question for the Draft tomorrow is... which member the of Philadelphia Flyers will the Kings be trading for to help the Flyer out with their salary cap situation?

As you may (or probably may not) have noticed, The Royal Half has been on a little bit of hiatus the last few weeks. But starting next Thursday, The Royal Half will be live from the NHL Draft in beautiful downtown Los Angeles. We'll be on the ground giving you a fans perspective of what it feels like to have the NHL draft under the giant shade of... palm trees? I don't have a fancy press pass like I'm sure other, more prominent LA Kings Bloggers might have... but I'm pretty sure Dean Lombardi will still ask me to come up and make a short speech before he announces the Kings' first pick.

The NHL Draft, concrete jungle where goofy smiles are made of.

For some reason, I'm more interested in the NHL Draft being in Los Angeles than I was with the All Star Game being here in 2002. Maybe it's because the logo was so lame.

Oh, I get it. Stars.

I think I'm excited about the NHL Draft in Los Angeles because for the first time in 5 years I won't have to actually worry about who the Kings are drafting. Sure, the LA Kings have the 19th overall pick... nothing to shake a carbon-fiber stick at... but as a long suffering Kings fan, it's very satisfying to not be in the Top 5.

You think we are gonna pay for Kovalchuk?
Kovalchuk is gonna pay me to play.

So if you are coming out to the Draft and would like to chat about famous moments in Los Angeles Kings' draft history such as trading the pick that would be Ray Bourque for a backup goalie, taking Aki Berg 3rd, Wayne McBean 4th, Lauri Tukonen 11th or Brian Boyle 26th overall... just hit me up on email or twitter for a good time.

The greatest score of Wayne McBean's professional hockey career.

In other, non-Draft news, the Los Angeles Kings continue their quest to become Philadelphia Flyers West by offering the recently vacated assistant coach job to John Stevens, the coach who was fired this season before the team went on its run to the Stanley Cup Finals. Honestly, as long as Stevens knows how to work the penalty kill, I'm fine with the Kings bringing another Philly boy out to LA. I mean, it's worked before, right?

I'm not sure if it's because Monday was a holiday here in the United States but the Head Pun Writer at NHL.com definitely was on vacation all last week. I mean, come on… let's see your "A" game! This is the Stanley Cup Finals!!!

Oh, I see what you did there.

Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta would like to know just how tall the writers at NHL.com are.

And even after the goal scoring clinic that was Game One of the Finals, it still felt like the pun writers at NHL.com were doing their best Marian Hossa impression… trying hard… but just not connecting.

This is the headline equivalent of 2 goals in 17 playoff games.

And then… after Monday's exciting Game 2… it turns out that all is right in the puniverse.

Seriously. How come no one thought of this sooner?

So while the NHL Stanley Cup Finals haven't really disappointed hockey fans (unless you happen to be from the general Philadelphia area)… I have to say... it's time for NHL.com to step up their game. Because as recently as only a week ago… they were a box office hit.

I would love to see a crossover between Variety and NHL.com.
It might look something like this:

Let's hope that Game 3 on Wednesday awakens both the Philadelphia Flyers and the NHL.com pun writers.

---

Now, Philadelphians get all sorts of notoriety for being hardcore sports fans. So the question of morality doesn't really come up too much when talking about Philadelphia fans. (In fact, most loyal readers of The Royal Half will know that morality doesn't really come into play on this site... usually ever.) But tonight, while trying to convince me to scalp tickets for Game 4 on Friday night when I'll be on the east coast, Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy came across this ad on Craigslist.

So your father passes away. You are headed out of town to the funeral and you have 2 tickets to the hottest sporting event around. The morality question... do you scalp and try to make a large sum of money before you leave for the funeral? Or just try to get the tickets to someone who will enjoy the game? It seems like a plot line from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. But I'm pretty sure this Flyers fan is selling his tickets for face value... so maybe Philly sports fans do have morals after all.